i was going to let this go...

but.  i guess not, huh?  here are just a few final pieces that i feel i need to put out there to clarify any confusion you all may have about why i'm going to induce lactation and why i feel it's better for a baby than formula.  i'm going to use bullets in an attempt to make this easy to read. 

• first, i'm not doing this to 'pretend' that i gave birth to this baby.  i wouldn't ever want to pretend that i birthed this baby.  let alone the fact that it's going to be pretty damn obvious to everyone around me that i didn't birth this baby.  because he will be african american. 
  
  • i have no wish or desire to birth children, i've never tried.  most of you know this - a few don't.  i'm adopting because i want to - because it's what i feel is right for me and my family.  so there is absolutely no way that inducing lactation, for me, has anything to do with wanting to push aside my son's first mother.  as you all should know by now (and if you don't - go read my archives first) i want nothing more than to have my childrens' first parents very involved on a day to day basis in our lives.  i don't want them to disappear.  i don't want them hiding. and i don't want to do anything that would make them feel uncomfortable. 
• as i stated before - this will be something that is stated up front - in our family profile - so if a woman doesn't feel comfortable with me breastfeeding her child - she will be able to toss us to the side right away.  we will not enter into a relationship where both parties are not 100% comfortable and in the know.  as we've seen in the comments below, there are first moms who are vehemently opposed to this and first moms that support it.  lots of different opinions out there in the world on this one.  i respect everyone's opinion and can understand why people would feel differently.  but just because a few individuals feel one way about things - doesn't mean that all will.  so i think it's really important to recognize that. 
• this is way too much work (as N stated in the comments) for me to be doing solely for bonding.  sure - it's a great way to bond and i love that there is that fringe benefit.  but there is no way i'd be doing this if it was just for my benefit - it wouldn't be worth it. 
• nutritionally, as marta said, the studies show that induced breastmilk (yes, even with domperidone) is the exact same in composition to breastmilk from a woman that has given birth, three weeks postpartum.  according to the who, my breastmilk is better for a baby than formula (which, in this situation, are probably the only two options).  the woman that conducted these studies is an IBCLC, a current doctoral learner with about 2 years left until she can publish her research and her site (www.asklenore.com) has two medical doctors who specialize in breastfeeding as consultants as well as a second long-term IBCLC.  in my opinion, she knows her stuff.  all of this stuff was said previously by mamamarta, but i wanted those who hadn't read the comments to also see this information. 
• prior to doing this - i did all of the research on domperidone.  i looked at both the pros and the cons and researched everything extensively.  i could give you my piles of paperwork if you'd like, but i'm sure you're not that invested in this.  domperidone is not FDA approved for political reasons.  nothing more.  multiple other countries have approved this drug for breastfeeding women to help boost milk supply.  my personal physician PRESCRIBED these medications for me and is monitoring me throughout this process and approves of both inducing lactation and adoptive breastfeeding.  my daughter's pediatrician was ecstatic that she was receiving even a few drops of breastmilk.  she's a very 'natural' pediatrician.  she was born, raised, and trained in India and has a background in ayuervedic medicine.  she prefers 'natural' remedies to chemical.  and she supports my inducing lactation and adoptive breastfeeding.  frankly, i'm not one to believe the FDA always has our best interests at heart.  i believe that they, just like any other governmental organization in this country related to health, are too deeply influenced by prescription companies to truly approve drugs based on whether or not they're beneficial to the population they're supposed to be protecting.  after researching it, i strongly believe this drug is not being approved purely for bureaucratic bullshit reasons.  this drug, as opposed to the drug that IS FDA approved, reglan, doesn't have any of the horrific side effects on breastfeeding women or babies.  reglan, the drug that the fda wants to be prescribed for women with a low milk supply, can cause very serious depression in women, mood swings, etc. that can last long after a patient has weaned from the drug.  dom, on the other hand, is significantly more safe. 
• studies have shown that dom is a safe (L1) drug for breastfeeding moms.  i understand if you're a person that doesn't like to take medications.  i'm pretty pill/drug-phobic myself.  my family eats almost exclusively organic food.  we like all-natural remedies instead of chemical remedies.  but my induced breastmilk isn't chemical-laden.  yes - it's chemically induced.  and some women, during the course of time, are able to eliminate the domperidone altogether.  but even if i have to take it the entire time i'm breastfeeding, i will.  it's still better for a baby than the chemical-laden formula.  that, in my opinion, is much more 'artificial' and 'unnatural'. 
• as for the feeling that adoptive breastfeeding is predatory - well - i just don't get that.  maybe it stems from the fact that, in the u.s., breasts have been so sexualized that people get the idea that putting a baby that is not mine biologically to my breast is 'abusive'?  i don't know - i don't understand that feeling at all.  but i'd love for jasai to clarify more on why she feels that way.  because if my breastfeeding is predatory for that reason, then everyone's is.  but, frankly, breasts are meant for feeding.  in that they are also an erogenous zone seems completely arbitrary to me in this conversation.  and i'm feeling a little offended by that comment (nothing against you, jasai, i just can't see where that came from).  care to elaborate? 
• kristenjean - if you haven't already - go back and take a look at my archives.  i'm with you on your points about adoption reform in the way of social service programs for women with unplanned pregnancies.  i don't yet know where i stand on the 'primal wound' theory, but i do believe that separating a child from their biological mother does have a profound affect on the child, whether visible or not.  but i also believe that some domestic infant adoptions are truly necessary.  take a look at the recent post by shannon at peter's cross station.  this captures where i'm coming from on this front.  our daughter's adoption is similar in nature to nat's.  so - all that considered - i'm with you.  but in my opinion this topic is more about whether my breastmilk is better (or even ok) for an adopted baby, as opposed to formula.  and i think the research shows that it is.  additionally, just as pregnancy and birth has gone through 'medicalization' as you mention, so had breastfeeding.  ergo, formula.  no, i don't want to revert to the days where the wealthy had wet nurses for convenience.  but i do feel like it's a very natural thing.  hell - if my friends were lactating and decided to breastfeed my daughter, i'd be fine with that, too.  in my opinion, it's no different than them putting a bottle in her mouth.  it's just food.  the healthiest food that will be available to my child. 
• as for the health factors, i mentioned above that my daughter's pediatrician loved that i was breastfeeding zade.  see - for zade - because society didn't support my breastfeeding of my daughter (my job, the length of maternity leave i was allowed versus what my job requested i take, the amount of time i would have needed to spend pumping, etc. i could go on forever with reasons why it wasn't a supportive environment) we had no choice but to eventually switch full-time to formula.  it was absolutely, for my daughter, not in her best interest.  she has a very sensitive system.  her body did not take well to formula.  she has horrible eczema that will, if left unattended, overtake her entire body.  when she was breastfeeding, her eczema flare ups were significantly less frequent than they were with the formula.  we had to try multiple different formulas until we found one that agreed with her system.  and in the end, it was also one of the most expensive formulas.  hmmm - i wonder if there's a reason behind that?  she still has horrible eczema.  we cannot use soap on the majority of her skin.  we must put multiple creams and treatments on her body three to four times a day to keep her from being one big itchy scab.  when she was breastfeeding, her skin was clear.  she didn't get diaper rash.  she was a happy, sleepy babe.  but with the formula, things changed significantly.  so - i do truly believe that i'm doing this because it's what is best for my child. 

you may disagree.  and that's ok with me (right, **name removed out of respect for the individual mentioned**? ;). 

i think i'm officially a lactivist.  anyone have a good adoptive breastfeeding slogan i can put on a t-shirt?  come on - let's have a contest!!!

Comments

[Faith]

That is so awesome. We adopted too. Our little man is African American and we will probably be adopting again. I would like to try to nurse next time as well. I will be keeping up with you and your experience.

[sster]

Would you mind discussing the financial aspects of adoptive breastfeeding? That is, with all the medication, which ends up being more cost-effective? (obviously better nutrition is priceless, if you can do it--just want a side-by-side comparison).

[afrindiemum]

sster - absolutely!

financially it's cheaper to breastfeed. i calculated the cost of the formula, the cost of my normal birth control pill and a flat fee for some bottles and then compared it to the meds i'd need to bf and the cost of a pump, a supplemental feeder and nursing bras/clothes. if i breastfeed for one year it's cheaper than formula feeding for one year. the longer i bf, the cheaper it gets until it pays off the breast pump i purchased. i think for a 1-year comparison it was something like $700 for the breastfeeding and something like $1200 for formula (but i did estimate low on this, i think - 4 cans per month - and as they get older it's more like 5 or 6 cans per month).

hope that helps!

[jasai madden]

well.

First, "predatory” was the word that most matched my emotion, sitting before the monitor reading all of this (I actually veered back from the screen). And as a woman who breastfed both of her children, my comment has nothing to do with sexualizing breasts or even anything to do with the babies; this was my feeling as a Mother. A mother who has been morning-sick, weighted and labored to near-death having children. Some deep-down, visceral part of me felt put-upon.

I wish I could do better than that for an explanation. Again, I have nothing against adoption (am very new to the idea of, and community of people, who adopt trans-racially but everyone can learn something new). This just did something to me. In a place deep down where very little language exists to express it.

[Nancy]

Absolutely fabulous! Good for you. All children should be so lucky to get the nutrition and love they deserve.

[anonymous]

*whispers* It's not legal via compounding pharmacies either. http://www.fda.gov/bbs/topics/ANSWERS/2004/ANS01292.html

[melinda]

I think it is awesome and I am very interested in reading your account of the subject. This is something my husband and I have talked about doing if we adopt and I am interested in a first-hand account. Thanks!

[mamamarta]

*sigh* the fda's safety warning is so completely political. politics chasing after bad science.

i feel very confident that all of the compounding phamacies that are still willing to compound domperidone a) are aware of the fda's position paper and b) have consulted with attorneys and c) have come to the conclusion that what they are doing is legal.

[stellarma]

jasai,

if you're going to quantify being a mother by what you went through, then i have to get involved.

I breastfed my first baby, got pregnant when she was 6 months, continued nursing throughout my pregnancy and tandem nursed for 18 months, then continued nursing for a total of nearly 4 years straight. I was sick for 32 weeks with number one. Daily. No matter what I tried. Until my esophagus started bleeding. I lost tremendous amounts of blood with #1. Does this make me more of a mother with more of a right to breastfeed than Afrindiemum? Cuz I've seen this mama in action, and there are a lot of days that she's a better mama than I'll ever be.

[lisa]

This is a totally new concept for me in general. I never knew adoptive parents even considered breastfeeding their infants, so this is very educational for me.

My initial reaction was disgust though (I'm not trying to be mean, just honest), not at the people involved or the comments or the facts, but just the concept in general. After reading the intense thought and research put into this process though I don't know why the idea grosses me out so much, even still. I plan to keep reading and learning more about this topic, and I appreciate the information provided here, because I think that learning more will explain better how I feel about this as well as why.

So on an instinctual level I can see how jasai feels, empathize with her feelings, but I'm an educated mother of two children myself (I gave birth to both of them) with an adopted sibling and this topic has opened a new door for me that I never knew existed.

I gave birth naturally twice and breastfeed both of my children. I think this concept is threatening on a basic instinctual level, no ration or logic involved, as though saying: "anyone can take the child you gave birth to and nurture them with their own body even though you are not genetically connected to them."

So that should be a GOOD thing right? Comforting to know that if you got hit by a bus after giving birth that your baby would survive, and probably thrive. Hmm, I'll have to ponder this further.

Wow, thanks for the mental/emotional/philosophical food for thought.

[jasai madden]

Believe i am not about to debate anything but what I feel, as I have done zero research on the topic.

In my opionin, it sounds half-cocked in the way of medical research and again, i don't know anything about adopting babies; the emotions involved or what kind of instinct kicks in in that transaction. What i do know is, considering this is a woman with no desire (by her own admission)to have children of her own - the desire to nurse children that she did not bear, doesn't work for me. But it doesn't have to.

[Christine]

I have birthed 5 children and I will again applaud you for all of your efforts and kindnesses. You do not disgust me in the least bit and if I have to say this a million more times, I will. You are a blessing to children as a whole...keep up the great work!!!

[stellarma]

jasai,

just becasue afrindiemum doesn't want to give birth to a child, doesn't mean that she's not a mother to Z, and to her future son. and, as the mother to her children, she has every right to do what's best for her babies.

i just don't get the 'you're not a mother because you didn't give birth' stuff. it's crap. just one more way for mothers to one up each other.

[PBfish]

If there is one thing I've learned in my 33 years, it's the value of stepping outside of my comfort zone to understand other people. I have learned so much from being infertile and reading so many different people's experiences with mothering. Your choices regarding reproduction are sacred, because they are yours. No one should judge them but you. Your body is yours to do with what you wish.
And I hope someday if I'm able to become a mother through adoption people who have had the priviledge to bear children won't judge my quality as a mother because I did not give birth to the child.
I don't think I have the strength to do what you are planning to do in order to breastfeed. If I am honest with myself, I realize that I'm afraid to "fail" at breastfeeding in addition to reproduction. But I applaud your selfless desire to provide a child with the healthiest possible sustenance. It is unusual, but that doesn't make it wrong. Let's not forget that before formula if an infant's mother died, other women provided the breast milk to sustain it. What could be more natural than feeding a child?

[mamamarta]

you know what, jasai madden? maybe you should sit with your feelings, and educate yourself a little bit, before you spend a lot more time saying really offensive things on the blog of a woman whose experience you know nothing about.

afrindiemum absolutely has every desire to have children "of her own." for example, z is a child "of her own." z has other parents as well, yes, but that makes her no less "of afrindiemum's own." you may think that using the approrpriate language is not important, but most of the adoption community that you have just stumbled on here begs to differ. if you have been reading adoption blogs for any amount of time, especially in the circle of blogs that afrindiemum is part of, you would know that.

i have no interest in debating "what you feel," nor am i really interested in trying to enlighten you, or change your mind. i sincerely hope you'll do some of that work yourself. i'll will say, however, that as an adoptive mom who has spent the better part of the last four years thinking really long and hard about adoption and its ethics (which time overlapped by about a year with a painful and grief-stricken period of my life trying unsuccessfully to conceive and carry a child to term, during which i endured pain you can only imagine); who has also spent a year+ preparing to breastfeed and has been breastfeeding my adopted son for the past almost 3 years; who has overcome institutional homophobia and adoption phobia to become a la leche league leader and future international board certified lactation consultant, so that i can help not only biological moms to be successful breastfeeding, but also so that i can help adoptive moms be realistic, ethical and successful in their attempts to breastfeed; i have to admit that i find the cavalier way you think you can and should share your "feelings," without any effort on your part to be thoughtful or informed... well, i find it quite astonishing. full of entitlement. lacking in compassion or humility.

but that's just how i feel.

[stellarma]

well said, mamamarta. and you rock.

[mamamarta]

okay, it's only been ten minutes since i pressed "post," and i feel the need to apologize to jasai madden for the tone of my above comments. i stand by the sentiments, which are obviously deeply felt, but i generally try really hard not to be snarky or nasty, because no one deserves that, and i fear i have failed here. and for that i am very sorry.

i do hope you will keep reading adoption blogs, not so that you will change your mind about abfing, but so that you will better understand the context of this discussion. and how to appropriately participate in it.

and yes, if anyone is wondering, i do appreciate the irony of sending a knee-jerk reaction chastizing jasai madden for expressing her feelings too quickly and without sensitivity, in which i do exactly the same thing... sigh.

[Manuela]

"What i do know is, considering this is a woman with no desire (by her own admission)to have children of her own..."

As an adoptee... this statement offends me. Afrindie has a child of her own... her nick-name is Z, and I think you owe that little girl an apology.

[April]

Coming out of lurkdom to wish you the best AfrIndie Mum. I think what you are doing is amazing. Good luck with the new adoption and the breastfeeding.

[N]

Afrindie Mum,

Just wanted to let you know that I was NEVER questioning whether you yourself were doing this out of some wierd desire to "one-up" the bio mom or "pretend" you gave birth... I just brought that point into my comments as a part of the overall debate. I have no doubt in my mind that you yourself are doing this for the nutritional benefits foremost, bonding benefits as a fringe, like you said. =) Just wanted to clarify that, in case it was unclear... I was not second-guessing YOUR motives at all. =)

[jasai]

AfrIndie Mum has some wonderful friends and supporters. She is lucky. In her above post she asked me to explain my comment. I did.

You are corret mamamarta, i do not know all of the appropriate lingo and the difference between "desire to have no children of her own" and "i have no wish or desire to birth children, i've never tried" is something I can put on my list of new things learned today.

I am here because i am interested. As I have opinions, and this seems to be a forum ripe with them, I never considered not expressing them.

And mammarta, not sure why you feel the need to address me by my full name here, but I respectfully request that you not.

best to you all.

[katherine]

mamamarta, i love you! and, afrindiemum, you go girl! get your breastfeeding thing on!!! and know that when your nipples are cracked and burning and you want nothing more than to quit (because you remember that this will happen if it hasn't already started with the pumping) you can call me for support. :)

i breastfed my son, often in the presence of and even with the assistance of his natural/birth/first mom. we have, in the course of our relationship, shared really sweet mothering moments that included my breastfeeding. while she was still carrying him, my son's mom said that breastfeeding was not something she was up for doing but that she was happy for him to still get breastmilk through induced lactation. and that was how i felt. if breastfeeding or providing him with her breastmilk had been something she had chosen, i would have been absolutely thrilled. but it was not. and inducing lactation seemed the best alternative. i did not take dom, however, just used a lactaid device and fed him at the breast consistently. after 4 weeks, i was lactating! i never could stop the lactaid, but it didn't matter. supplementing my breastmilk with formula seemed a much better option to me than pure formula, and i'm not a medication-taking kind of person. and, like zaidee, my son has health issues that i know were helped by the breastmilk. his digestive system was the calmest it has ever been when he was still nursing. interestingly, however, i tried donor milk early on, and he reacted terribly to it with lots of diarrhea. so, back to nursing we went.

i'll also put out there that he seemed to like nursing... a lot. he would choose the breast over a bottle anytime. and this was another thing that kept me at it. my understanding is that studies have shown that breastfeeding is calming/soothing to babes in a way nothing else is. and as his moms, his birth mom and i wanted nothing more than for him to be soothed in that early time. we were so focused on making his huge transition from the only home he'd ever known to ours as smooth as possible. this felt like one way i could help to smooth the transition from his first mom to his second. like every other decision we have made throughout his adoption, it was for him.

adoptive breastfeeding goes back a lot further than any of us. for centuries, children have needed second mothers for one reason or another, and even women who had never been pregnant have been able to love then and take care of them and feed them by lactating. we are mammals. we lactate.

[shannon]

Huh.

It never occurred to me that adoptive breast feeding would get you in trouble. Go figure, there's just no pleasing people, is there?

Here I am sitting over here feeling all guilty because when I have seen what it entails, I'm not willing to go through it all.

Instead, I spent a lot of time combing the internet for an organic formula (and finally found one I could order by the case), and hoping that Nat would be okay with it.

She was great with it. You've probably tried it as it sounds like you tried them all with Z. But if you want to know what it is, email me. It could be your back up.

I still get wistful about not breastfeeding, but not wistful enough to work as hard as you're working to do this, I guess. (Since we're expecting number 2, I have revisited it a bit.)

But wow, it never, never would have hit me in a million years that people would get mad at you FOR working that hard to take such good care of your baby.

[mamamarta]

i'm sorry jasai. i was afraid i was going to spell your name wrong, so i just copied it from the last comment you made, where you used your full name.

[Marlynn]

WOW. You are amazing woman and mother and I wish you the best.