it's time.

i've been trying to avoid writing this post for a while.  thinking maybe if i don't put it onto page, it won't be true.  but it's impossible for me to put off any longer, it’s overtaking me.  i think about it every day, all day long.  i know i've alluded to it before, but i feel like i need to get it written down.  i'm feeling frustrated and sad and helpless and slightly desperate.  the truth is this - z's parents are officially out of touch with us.  and anymore, we don't know if we're out of touch with them or not. 

here’s some background, for those of you not in the know. when we met with pea, we asked her what she wanted out of a relationship with us, should she choose to place z with us. she said: 

• she      wanted an open adoption. she      requested, and we happily agreed, to mail them a letter and photos monthly      and call monthly. we exchanged      contact information directly with her (not the agency) and told her that      she and purl should feel free to call us or write us anytime. because we thought that long-distance      calling might be something that could be troublesome for them, we provided      them with a calling card that they were free to use and that we would      refill as necessary. we’ve reinforced many times that we want to hear from      them – that we’d be thrilled to receive a call from them. 
• she      wanted z to know corn (z’s 2 year old full bio brother) and for corn to      know z. she wanted z to know her      history and her family. we wanted      the same and agreed to this. we      explained to her (and later to purl) that to us this meant that we’d write      them and call them and do the same for any of their extended family      members that were interested. we’d      visit them and their entire extended family whenever they were ready for      it and that we’d have them visit us and our entire extended family when      they (p & p) were ready. we      all agreed. 
• we      told her (and later purl) that we’d happily adjust our relationship with      them however they wanted if they should ever need something to change –      that they were in control – and they only needed to tell us what they      wanted and we’d comply. we      mentioned multiple times in phone calls and in letters that if they wanted      a break, to let us know, and that it wouldn’t hurt our feelings, as long      as we knew what they wanted and expected. we let them know that we are very open people and that they could      be open with us without fearing that we’d be upset with them, or      worse. 

we've stuck to the letter and photos schedule strictly and have never faltered (except once, which was unavoidable, when the box we sent for christmas last year (2004) was returned to us a month and a half later because pea and purl didn't pick it up at the post office).  and we’ve tried to stick to the calling schedule, but it’s not worked for a couple of reasons. first – we tried calling the first month or two and would leave voice messages and then call back a week later when we didn’t hear from them. the first six months, we managed to speak with them about five times – after about twenty attempts on our part to reach them – and no return phone calls from them. after about six months, their cell phone had run out of minutes and they didn’t refill it, their home phone was disconnected, reconnected with a different number, and then disconnected again. and pea’s brother, the only other phone number for their family that we had, joined the reserves and no longer has a phone, either. so we’ve no way to call them and haven’t for a while. a couple of times a month, we call information and search online to see if they've gotten a new phone number, but nothing ever comes up, not even an unlisted number.  we're pretty sure that they just can't afford a phone right now, but we aren’t sure if there is more to it than just that. 

but as the months have passed, i’ve spent countless hours speculating about whether i did or said something i shouldn’t have. i’ve wondered if they have decided that they no longer want an open adoption, or if they really only want to know that z continues to be happy and healthy and they don’t want the baggage of the rest of an open relationship. i’ve wondered if they’ve decided that they regret their decision and can’t face us because that would mean facing the horrible pain of that decision. i’ve wondered if they hate us – if they think we’re just the evil adoptive parents and we stole their child. or if maybe they’re just busy with life and don’t have the time to pay to this relationship. i wonder how often they think of z. i wonder if they want to hear from us or just wish we’d go away. i wonder if this is the way it will be forever and i’ll have to struggle with what to say to z when she asks about her first family. believe it or not – she’s getting so close to the days of comprehending adoption. and we speak to her about her adoption and her biological family every day. so the time i have left without having to answer these questions is quickly dwindling. and i don’t know what to say to my little girl when she asks why we don’t have a photo of her papa purl or brother corn. do i tell her that i’ve asked and asked for photos from pea, that she promised ten times to send them, that i sent a pre-paid envelope to her for the purpose of sending me the photos she said she had gathered, and that i never received them and don’t know why? i don’t want z to question why – i don’t want her to be angry with pea and purl – i want to have the answers for her – whatever they may be. 

really, in the end, we don't know.  when we'd spoken with them in the past, they'd always said they were happy with the way things were going and that they wanted to continue to be in touch with us.  we told them to please not consider our feelings and to just be honest with us if they wanted or needed something to change one way or another.  purl has said multiple times that when pea speaks of us, she "speaks only of love and with joy in her voice."  both of them have indicated to us that they are, "one-hundred percent happy with their decision and the arrangement."  so what they're saying and what they're doing seem to be conflicting.  it could be explained away with the lack of money issue that we're certain they're facing.  it could be that they are just too busy with life (caring for a three-year-old, pea's developmentally disabled mom, trying to keep a job, and getting ahead enough so that pea can finish high-school and purl can go to college). 

adoption professionals (NOT the ones with whom we’ve worked – i’m generalizing here – because i’ve heard it so often) like to explain this little phenomenon away with a wave of their hand and a statement like, “well, many birth parents disappear once they know that their baby is happy and healthy – it happens often.” but i call bullshit. i don’t believe this any longer. there was a time when i would have accepted this explanation – but anymore – i don’t think there is truth in this statement. 

regardless of the reason, it hurts.  every day it hurts.  and we’ve exhausted our options for getting in touch with them. we think they still live at the same address, as we’ve not gotten any of our letters returned, but that’s not really a guarantee. we’ve looked up and paid for online people searches for pea and purl and pea’s sister and brother and purl’s mom. we’ve contacted the agency. we’ve turned up nothing. 

there’s a chance that we may again find ourselves in chicago when adopting our second child. this throws another option into the mix – one i’m uncertain whether or not we should pursue. 

but for now i’m feeling a little lost. and feeling really sad for z. 

Comments

[AmericanFamily]

You are in a hard situation. I don't have any advice, but I am offering my sympathy. I don't know what I would do in your shoes.

[Lilian]

Oh, that's such a sad situation to be in! I wish I could give you any advice, but most of my knowledge about adoption comes from wonderful adoptive/ birth mother blogs such as Dawn's, Kateri's, yours, and others...

I hope there's a breaktrough, but, if not, that you find the right words to talk to Z about this when the time comes.
[]s

[Figlet]

Oh crap. You see, as an outsider I can think "But they can tell Z that they HAVE tried everything to maintain contact", but if I was in your position, I think I would second guess myself to the nth degree as well. It's all so complicated. But please don't beat yourself up. I'll stay hopeful for all of you that the channels of communication are just temporarily down. Sigh.

[Susan]

I'm sorry...it sounds like you've done all you can for the moment. It's hard to have to say "I don't know" to a child's questions.

While your time to have no questions from Z. may be coming to an end, you'll still have plenty of time to grow into questions and answers. Her first questions, whatever they are, will let you form answers, and you'll grow with her as you talk. You'll grow into it, however the situation evolves.

[magicpointeshoe]

Goodness, you come be in my cave for a while, why don't ya?

We can sit around amusing and horrifying ourselves with all the speculation running around in our heads right now.

We are two of a kind and it's totally tough beans suckage.

(((hugs)))

[cookie]

First, I agree with you that the agency's comment was total bull. I have come to the conclusion that in general most agencies have a whole bunch of stock answers to meet any given situation. Then whenever something comes up, they pull an answer out of the hat and offer it up - whether it applies, makes sense or not. I believe it is simply their way of saying that they don't know, don't really care, and think it doesn't really matter anyway. The more likely explanation is that seeing their child is painful and they may need to dissassociate themselves and disconnect as a survival technique. I have heard many birth parents in open adoptions say that contact is very hard for them.

I sympathize with your situation - it's a tough spot to be in. And, I always strongly encourage adoptive parents to do all they can to really encourage contact and make real attempts to keep current contact info for the birth parents. Some adoptive parents seem to make weak, half-hearted gestures and then pat themselves on the back - and say, "Oh, well, I tried". I suspect that plenty of adoptive parents are consciously or unconsciously somewhat relieved when the birth parents disappear.

BUT, you sound like you have done all that you can. And you cannot force them to live up to their oblgiations. You will just have to answer your daughters' questions as age-appropriately as possible when questions arise and try to paint as positive a picture as possible without lying. Won't be easy - but, what else can you do?

Marlou Russell has an article on explaining difficult truths to children. She also does some counseling via email or phone if a specific need arises. She is a PhD, author, adoptee and an adoption therapist.
http://www.marlourussellphd.com/newspr.html

There are also some articles on Adoption.com about how to explain difficult truths to children in their library of articles.

[N]

Very tough situation. I'm so sad for you and Z. I can only imagine that if they just let you know WHY they're pulling back, that would help... but instead you're just left in limbo.

My guess is the same as Cookie's: that it's hard for them. I also suspect that they're probably not even willing to admit that to themselves, though, which (if true) would make it hard for them to admit it to you. I HIGHLY doubt you did anything to make them hate you, and I highly doubt they think ill of you. It's probably just tough on them, and they're not even consciously processing that difficulty, so... avoidance is just easier.

Then again I could be full of crap, as I don't now any of you at all. =)

Whatever the case, I hope that you are able to find peace, no matter what happens... and that Z is able to, also, when the questions start.

N

[kim]

must have huge stresses in their lives. phone getting cut off suggests financial problems. don't know why can't imagine not wanting contact so it must be a reason that isn't not WANTING but maybe not being able to deal with all that part of life? Feeling unworthy? Feeling like you are in the way? I don't know.
You are a good mother to do all this, just don't give up on them, especially since we don't know all the facts. Must add you to my links too.

[Sylvie]

I am sorry to hear this. I know how important this is. I don't think it could possibly be anything that you did. It sounds to me like you guys went above and beyond. It may sound harsh, and I know it won't make you feel any better, but maybe, they needed to sort stop contact to move on with there lives, maybe it hurt to much to talk all the time. I know how you feel, because although we hear from Gav's birthmom we never hear from his birthday, but we continue to do what we agreed and send him updates. I can only speak from my own experience, my son's birthmom told me over Christmas that she loves recieving the updates and wants to continue to get them, and she doesn't respond often because sometimes she doesn't really know what to say, but she wants to continue to hear from us. I'm not saying this is the case with Pea and Purl but it could be.

If I were you, if you feel like continuing to send letters, do so, so that they can always know when they feel ready they can contact you. The good thing is that your letters are not being returned. Maybe they are really recieving comfort in knowing that Z is doing well.

[benignneglect]

You tried your best, but I think you have to accept that they don't want to hear from Z. Perhaps you can try later, perhaps they try to contact you, perhaps Z can try to find them later, BUT YOU DID WANT YOU COULD!
So...be happy and put it out of your mind!

[Green]

Your sadness over this comes through so loudly and clearly. Here are my answers:
1. Actions speak louder than words. They've told you, through their actions, that for whatever reason, they don't want to talk with you now.
2. I'm sure you've already done it and are and will continue to, but keep yourself findable.
3. I think you should leave them alone for now. Not, stop sending letters or whatever you send, because it's clear you want to keep up your end of the agreement you made with them. But in your mind, let it go for a while - the idea that they have to gush over Z each time they get correspondence from you. No, don't tell Z that despite all your trying P&P weren't responsive. Say that they weren't able. That's also the truth, but gives them the benefit of the doubt. You're creating a strong bond for Z with them, and I'm sure you'd hate for her to be embarrassed of THEM to YOU, and feel that she has to apologize to YOU for THEIR actions. Not that it'd get to that degree, but going in that direction...
For when you're in Chicago again, maybe you could plan to spend a couple extra days there? Get someone to hand deliver a letter to P&P saying you're in town, would love to talk with them (or have them re-meet Z, whatever you're comfortable with), get pics of Z's other bio family that you don't already have, and you'll be at X Hotel until X date. That's what I'd do - personal service to them.

[Dawn]

I was hoping that maybe you would feel comfortable talking about this because I thought you would get some good support and information. I think that birth parents who DON'T want as much contact are pretty common and we (adoption community) don't hear from them as much perhaps because what keeps them from pursuing more openness also keeps them from participating in adoption forums -- be that practical or emotional concerns.

There are so many voices missing from the discussions but your instincts are right on and I think that when the time comes to talk to it about Z you will have the words.

[sedie]

I'm sorry for your situation. I can't speak to it because it isn't something I've experienced, but I hope it works itself out for the better. I'm sending you strength and positive vibes that you can re-connect.

[KimN]

I'm so sorry. That must be heart breaking for all of you.

[chicagomama]

You've gotten such great advice from other posters, so I don't have a lot to add, except my sympathy. And I do think that continuing to send the letters/pictures to their home is a really good plan. Maybe, in the interest of doing all you can to maintain contact, you could send monthly letters/pictures to the agency AS WELL, so that if they [P&P] have moved they might be able to access the letters/pictures from the agency as well if they ever decided to. Just an idea...so that if they are overwhelmed right now - they would have another place to look for contact that might feel a little bit safer to start again from. I don't know...hope this doesn't sound like complete assvice. Hugs to you and Z. - it will work out and you will figure out how to talk to Z. about this - no matter what the outcome.

[HeatherJ]

The stress, sadness and confusion coming out of your entry made so sad. Since I am not in your situation there is no way that I can relate except as a mama. You love your daughter, you want to protect her from the hurt out there in the world and give her everything her heart desires. You have tried to keep in touch with her birth family. Maybe they are just needing to work out some things in their life before they are able to communicate with you again. Hopefully they will. Just know there are other mothers out there feeling your pain and offering their support.

[Samantha]

First can I start by saying "DON'T YOU DARE FEEL SORRY FOR Z!!!"?? Z has two parents who love her unconditionally! There are many children who will never have that. As for pea and purl...you have done everything that you can. I would continue to send letters and pictures and hope that they are receiving them, but have just decided (for whatever reason) that they don't want to talk to you. They may be satisfied that Z is happy and healthy and feel ready to disconnect themselves, that is their choice. They may feel to guilty (?) to tell you that, but it's a real possibility. As for what to tell Z when she asks? How about you've had 2 wonderful sets of parents. 1 that realized that they couldn't give you the life that they wanted you to have and deserved and were selfless enough to pass you lovingly along to a 2nd set of parents who love you just as much but were able to care for you. Tell her that she is the child of the heart of 4 parents and for that reason she is twice as lucky as most other children.

Love her and let them go.

[mamaloo]

I'm sorry. it's clear this means so much to you; I can't really relate because my parenting situation is totally different. but I do know that they're very young, and it sounds like they have a lot of challenge in their lives, and it's likely they're overwhelmed and just can't deal. I know *I* avoid situations that are emotionally trying to me. imagining how I'd feel as a birth mother/family 20 years old, with a big plate of hard knocks to deal with, it makes sense to me that they've bowed out of your picture, at least for the time being.

maybe give them space, continue to send pictures and letters and trust that the future will untangle the mess.

so sorry a'mum. :-(

[mamaloo]

I'm sorry. it's clear this means so much to you; I can't really relate because my parenting situation is totally different. but I do know that they're very young, and it sounds like they have a lot of challenge in their lives, and it's likely they're overwhelmed and just can't deal. I know *I* avoid situations that are emotionally trying. it makes sense to me that they've bowed out of your picture, at least for the time being.

maybe give them space, continue to send pictures and letters and trust that the future will untangle the mess.

so sorry a'mum. :-(

[katherine]

What an amazing community of Wise Mothers you have here! I hope that all of the wonderful insight in these womens' comments has helped you some - I know it has helped me. It is obvious that you are really in pain, and I think we'd all like to take that away for you. I'm holding good thoughts for you and your husband and Z and, of course, for Pea and Purl too. Life can be so messy sometimes. I hope this part cleans up for you in the near future. For now, I'm sending wishes that you can feel some peace.

[speakingformyself]

Ugh. I have so many more questions than answers... would have to know so much more to really provide insight. You are on target by calling "bullshit" on the "disappearing when they know baby is happy/healthy" line.

Familial relationships are "messy" as one poster put it. With this in mind, it seems that clarity (even if one has to push for it) is better than assumption. But, then, after trying, really trying (as it sounds you have been) ... there's only so much one can do.

Brenda Romanchik is an excellent resource.

[Avonlea]

I'm sorry, it seems like people should want to walk through open doors especially when they lead to you and your family.

[Amy/grrlTravels]

I do not have this situation, but my sister does. The birthmother of her daughter comes in and out of their lives. I think some times she can deal and some times she can't. Some times she goes off and lives her life and some times she makes contact. That is just to say that your heart is in the right place, you are doing what you need to do in keeping up your end of the deal to the best of your ability, and my guess is that they will come and go as they are able. They are so young--I can't imagine being able to handle such a complex relationship all of the time at that age. I am sorry for the pain this is causing you. I think you are handling this beautifully, which is to say the very best you can.