can't seem to decide what to write about right now. i know i owe you a post on the referral we received and our processing to date. also another one on how hubby and i have been dealing with his desire to slow things down and my desire to continue as planned. but today i'm still thinking about pea and purl.
dawn, over at this woman's work is having a great discussion about the same issue we're facing with pea and purl. you should definitely check her out if you're at all interested in the subject of first parents wanting less contact than the adoptive parents.
reading dawn's posts and the comments has me thinking again. we have what we believe is a current address for purl's mom. no phone number, but an address. we can't be 100% certain, but we think it's where she's living now. we've toyed with the idea of writing her a letter in an attempt to contact pea and purl. we've had this option for a few months now and have been tossing the idea around as long. but we get stuck on so many different levels. do we have the right to contact her? pea and purl didn't give us her address, but they did give us her name and have told us that she knows about them placing z for adoption with us. would they hate us for contacting her? and so on and so forth. you get the idea where my brain goes with these things by now, no?
so i was speaking today with someone whom i respect. a lovely, kind and wise woman with a voice i could listen to for hours. and something occurred to me. a thought that i hadn't really thought before. but i wonder if pea and purl even have the words to tell me what they are feeling right now. i'm not trying to belittle them in any way, but because of what (little) i know of their lives and their childhoods, i wonder if they even know how to express whatever feelings must be going on in their minds right now. i wonder if the only thing they can do to tell me what they're feeling is pull away. so this throws another thing to consider into the mix. it's another reason why maybe i shouldn't write that letter or pursue them any further.
but my friend's response seems to me to be right on in yet a different vein of thought. she said, basically, that they asked for an open adoption. that's what they wanted. and so we have the right to pursue, at the very least, an answer as to why they're pulling away.
but still, i don't know to what extent that 'right' can be stretched. just more questions to float around my brain.
I don't know how this works in the US, but in the UK there is a type of contact called "letterbox contact", where the adoptive and birth parents can contact each other through the social services. Is there any way you could speak to your original social worker about this? I've no idea but is it possible they might feel more comfortable with indirect contact?
Posted by: katie | 09 February 2006 at 02:13 AM
I have been thinking about you guys since you posted the other day about your problem. I hope things work out really soon. I know you guys will be led in the right direction and make the right decision for everyone. Inspite of all the possibilities that float around the issue, I hope that you are able to at least hear from them soon to get the facts.
Posted by: Sylvie | 09 February 2006 at 06:21 AM
It seems like a balance must be struck in respecting the distance they're creating while acknowledging that the distance is there. Perhaps all your attempts at contact could seem overwhelming to them? Maybe they want some contact, but not this much? All the efforts you listed could seem thorough on your part, but also overwhelming for young, vulnerable people who might not have anything to tell you once they get on the phone. Does that make sense?
While we have not lost contact with our son's birthmom, we haven't heard from her for awhile. That led me to write/email more in hopes of some response, but now I am holding back for a bit to respect her initiative. That doesn't mean I'll give up altogether but I'll stick with what we agreed to, things she can count on that don't surprise her. We'll see how it goes from there. I can see how your situation might lead to a sense of panic - that you lose the very thin thread connecting Z to her birthfamily. As adoptive parents we are safeguarding a huge responsibility. It's hard to be "balanced" when you're in a panic-inducing situation. This is a tough situation and there are no clear paths guiding the way for us.
Posted by: Kohana | 09 February 2006 at 06:36 AM
No advice, just a big electronic hug to you.
Posted by: Marisa | 09 February 2006 at 12:22 PM
AfrIndie Mum- I'm amazed at how we have related experiences going on in our lives. First the issue with husbands not being ready to adopt again when we are. Now this issue of contact with birth parents and figuring out how to proceed. I'm going through this right now too. Email me and I'll explain more.
Posted by: Overwhelmed! | 09 February 2006 at 04:47 PM
Hey girl...
I think you are in the right to do what you can to contact them, because your motivations are purely out of love for your daughter. You have her best interest at heart, as well as her birthparents'. I suppose it could go sour, but more likely, they are probably busy and don't know what to say, or it is just more painful than they thought it would be to watch their daughter grow up with someone else. Hard to know, but it is obvious from your posts that you have nothing but good intentions, have thought everything through very thoroughly, and simply have a good heart in general.
I wish you the best of luck.
Posted by: briana | 09 February 2006 at 04:52 PM
First moms, what do you think about this possible approach? I would love to hear more from you! I'd imagine you would too, AfrIndie Mum? I worry that contacting Purl's mom is going to be threatening and stepping out of bounds, but I'm torn because the intention is so loving. Insight? Please? I so respect what you contribute to this conversation! Thanks.
Posted by: katherine | 09 February 2006 at 09:32 PM
I too have been thinking about you since I read your post the other day... this is a complicated issue and one with so many sides and related issues. My sisters daughter was adopted through open adoption and the b-mom has a 1800 number that they have contected to their cell phone that she can call them on, they send pics and such and she is free to call them anytime as she unlikely to write, the 1800 number allows her to call from anywhere even a pay phone. I don't think she calls to often. I have another friend who was adopted and never knew her family of origin, as an adult her b-mom rejected her when she tried to contact here and and she was devasted. I know these examples are from one extreme to the other but I think that you need to put the ball in Pea and Purl's court, make sure they can access you (which may mean sending a note to the parent saying we have moved and this is how they can reach us) and then let them decided what to do. I in many ways agree with your friends comments about how they might be feeling.
I hope that whatever you decide to do it works out.
Be well
Posted by: justine | 10 February 2006 at 08:43 AM
I feel for you. It's just such a hard-to-read spot to be in and there are no right answers. There is only what is right for you and Z. And I imagine that in your heart you can determine what that is. Much luck in the process.
Posted by: mopsa | 10 February 2006 at 09:10 AM
Hi, I'm a first mom. Wow, if the adoptive parents contacted me about my daughter, I'd sure, feel tons of nervousness, but I'd totally want to keep in contact. I'd die to keep in contact...
I have the opposite problem, we agreed to a semi open adoption, but the adoptive parents moved and I don't have a right to search for them (in the papers I signed after doctor drugged me up, I had no idea what I was signing).
Posted by: HeatherRainbow | 13 February 2006 at 06:08 PM