simultaneously

we've been dealing with other fun things.  like in the middle of f-i-l's visit the homestudy agency called to quizz me on what might have come back on an fbi fingerprinting check on me.  all i could tell them was 'nothing'.  i couldn't even elaborate i was so shocked.  i've never even been pulled over for speeding.  my record should be crystal clear.  so z and i spent a good part of one day traipsing from one wrong location to another wrong location to another wrong location to a phone number that gave me a person, finally, who told me that my record was clear.  as i thought.  someone checked the wrong box, maybe.  both 'no record found' and 'record found' were checked and no further information was given.  but the thing was, the guy who could tell me my record was clear couldn't send my agency a letter explaining that it was their bad.  what he could do was forward my information to dhs and hope that they knew where to send it.  he gave me a phone number for my agency to call to confirm that dhs had received and was processing the letter the following tuesday (it was friday).  so it all worked out - finally.  but i spent so much time in the car trying to find someone who could prove my innocence for me before i found all i needed was a phone number.  btw - if you know a name and a birth date, the guy at the state office will tell you about your background check over the phone!  but, anyhow - homestudy's officially done as of today and was sent off to adoption agency (we've already received a note stating it's official and good for two years).  i'm sure soon someone will call with some sort of next steps information.  i wonder how we'll feel then.  my breasts sure go off everytime i so much as see a baby, let alone cuddle one.  zade was crying for her papa the other day (inconsolably - she really wants us all together all the time lately) and i could feel it all tingly and i ended up with a big wet spot.  now it's really time to buy some nursing pads. but i don't know if my mind is quite up to speed with the body regarding adoption.   we don't even have a nursery set up and we have twenty things to do before setting up a nursery. 

***

zade fell again last night and bit almost clear through her lip.  we were all very bloody, thankful no teeth seem to be affected.  her asthma, psoriasis and eczema have subsided thanks to the steriods her lungs received.  her skin is smooth and soft and we're moisturizing like crazy in hopes her rashes don't return.  she also has become a word master.  the child is speaking in full sentences - new full sentences everyday.  i noticed she learned four different phrases this morning and i'm sure there are another few that she'll pop up with later tonight.  she repeats everything we say, she narrates her entire day saying a lot of, 'i want moah daddie', 'i want daddy hooooome'.  knock on wood, she hasn't yet belted out a curse.  i know the day will come, probably should have come long ago for us.  but we're seriously curtailing our useage of curse words in hopes that we can put it out a little further.

***

i ordered myself a birthday snap press and an assortment of plastic snap colors.  i can now make even cooler t-shirt diapers!  i cannot wait for it to arrive in the mail.

***

i'm wishing i could do lots around the house, but i end up spending my time online instead.  i really want to finish stripping zade's head and foot boards and get her a new mattress.  it's time for her bedroom to be finished.  it's been in flux for so long.  and we've got a lot going on.  this is just life with a carpenter at heart - living with construction mess and ever-looming projects.

***

i'm thinking lately a lot about conversations had while back in the midwest with my like-minded adoption friends.  i'm bringing up some of the things i'm thinking about with hubby and i'm not quite sure where we stand on some things now.  for example, the differing views on whether a family with an open adoption that was closed by the first family should or has the right to attempt to establish more contact their child's first parents.  and later, my discussion with another adoptive mother with a closed (by the first parents) domestic, transracially adopted son regarding our differing approaches in our second adoptions.  because her first son's adoption was closed and she doesn't feel she should invade her son's first mom's privacy.  because of many, valid reasons they chose to adopt internationally where the likelihood of their second son having a relationship with his first family is about the same as the chance of their first son having a relationship with his first family.  that make sense?  it wasn't fair, in their minds, for one son to have a close relationship while the other probably never would have that chance.  and because my daughter's first parents have essentially (though non-verbally) closed her adoption, i initially made it extremely clear to our social worker and agency that i want a very open relationship with our next child's first family.  and in thinking and talking about it i'm now questioning whether that's what we 'should' do for the health of both of our children.  unfortunately, we don't know why z's parents aren't in touch with us and that may change someday.  but i can't decide if maybe my friend's rationale is smarter than mine.  i just don't know right now.   the conversation with myself is ongoing.  it's leading to conversations about - hey - why not look at ethiopia again?  and - how can we - who believe strongly in the importance of openness consider an adoption we know will most likely be closed?  and how on earth will we explain to zade why she doesn't have a relationship with her first family, when we're best buddies with her sibling's first family without swaying the way she feels about them and her adoption?  it's all very mentally taxing. 

***

the big two is coming up in a matter of weeks.  we've got nothing planned and no idea of what we'd even like to do for zmasterfresh, as hubby has been calling her lately (he's spent way too much time with foo's daddy). 

***

two nights ago - another accidental peanut trace consumption!  vomiting all night!  our neighbor, who knows of her allergy and knows better, gave z a yogurt raisin that happened to be in a bag of trail mix with peanuts. 

it's just more to add to the normal exhaustion. 

and z has decided to boycott sleep altogether once again.  and i don't want to make her cio.  it worked well the first time for us, but i'm not convinced this time around that's what she needs.  unfortunately, nothing seems to be working.  any suggestions on getting a hyper 2 year old to sleep when she really doesn't want to? 

Comments

[OmegaMom]

You've got a lot going on!

First off--I'm glad you got things straightened out (though I'm a wee tad dubious about the guy just handing over the info over the phone...on the other hand, I suppose it's public information...). Homestudy is done, woohoo!

That time when kiddos explode in language is so fascinating. One thing you might consider, in terms of Z.'s strike against sleep, is that she's going through a tremendous developmental spurt right now. When OmegaDotter was that age, whenever she did something really new with her body or her brain, her sleep was "off" for about two weeks as she assimilated the changes. With language, it was almost as if she couldn't turn her brain off at night.

I have no great advice on the open/closed second adoption. It's a highly personal decision, and it depends on how resilient you think your first child is. As you've found out, though, even if you start with a wide-open adoption, circumstances may end up closing it anyway. Hmmm.

Whatever you decide, I know you'll do it "thoughtfully" (i.e., with great care).

[wavybrains]

Great news on the progress. We went to our training last week, and are going to a domestic meeting this week. Like you, I seem to be in hurry-up/slow-down/hurry-up mode. Regarding the right to renegoitate openness: I think both parties should have the right to do this, preferably though, with a mediator or other neutral party to help aid in agreeing on new terms and to allow for a safe space for airing of differences. My DH and I differ as to whether (or to what extent) adoptive parents should ever go out of their way to convince the birth family of the need for contact if they fall out of touch/off the radar screen. As to whether adoptions should "match" in terms of opennes: I think this has to be a family by family decision. For me, this has never been a concern. I'm interested in so many types of adoption, ages of children, and know I want to adopt at least twice, hopefully more. If one child has "special" adults in their life and the other does not, I will ask a trusted friend or one of our relatives to step up--have them have "visit" days too and create a space for us to talk about how we feel that X has visits/contact and Y does not, and how we can deal with those feelings. Each child will have their own story. I do however, applaud your friend for seeking IA rather than trying for a domestic situation that she might end up closing due to the same reasons--there is more than one blogger birthmom who has had an adoption closed because sibling adoptions didn't "match" and I think that is unbearably sad. Better that your friend know her mind as a family and seek the type of adoption they want than to stretch too far.

[Erin O']

Thanks for the nice, juicy long post! I'm glad you got your name cleared -- what a drag to have to run all over town getting it cleared up.

I'm not sure if this is the case with Z., but steroids keep me up and pretty hyper at night, especially. Especially when I first started taking them. This effect wore off, eventually, and I tapered the steroids, as well, which helped. It might just take a while for Z.'s system to get used to them.

The open vs. closed for the second adoption is a tough one. I don't think there is one clear-cut answer, because no one really knows how things will come out in the long run. As OmegaMom says, you will do it thoughtfully, and you are intuitive, to boot.

e

[afrindiemum]

om - i never connected her speech development with a disruption in her sleep patterns. but it makes perfect sense - every other stage has affected her sleep negatively.

wavy - sorry i gave you the wrong idea (i knew it wasn't very clear). my friend wouldn't (to my knowledge) close an open adoption. she just didn't want her younger son (the one they're adopting internationally) to have a closer relationship with his first family than her older son does with his. the older son's adoption was closed by the first parents very early on. but she doesn't have any issues with openness in adoption. she just doesn't think it's fair for one son to have something the other won't. make sense? i think it's still confusing.

e - yes, the steroids. i wonder how long they stay in the system? there could definitely be some residual effects interrupting her ability to fall asleep.

[dawn]

Here's hoping to a better night's sleep for both of you!

I sure as heck don't have any answers to the open/closed thing but I betcha Shannon has some good strong thoughts on it!!!

[shannon]

I had this exact conversation with a good friend, recently. She said she wondered how I'd explain to Nat that a baby sib has a close relationship with a first mom when Mama Rose doesn't keep in touch.

But here's the thing. I really believe openness is in the best interest of the child. So why willfully deny it to my future children? (Taking Ethiopia out of the equation for now. If it were possible for us (it isn't--we're gay) we might well adopt from Africa for other reasons.) We, like you have made it extra clear this time around that we want a very open adoption. We repeat it to our social worker every time she calls (and have declined to have our profile shown half a dozen times because the mother wasn't sure about openness). it is mentioned in our profile three times in four pages.

I told my good friend who raised the topic, that it is just one of the many hard conversations adoptive parents have to have with their kids that other parents don't have to have, and we plan to cross that bridge when we come to it.

I also continue to hold out hope that Nat's mother will find a way to get in touch with us. So far we don't believe in forcing contact (though we could). If Nat were older and I felt it was somehow critical to her health and well-being, I might shift on that, but at this age, she is just learning her mother's name and face from photos and prayers and her baby book and that is fine. I trust her mother to be acting out of her own good judgement, so I leave the ball in her court.

[Amanda/Mayhem Mama]

A few thoughts:
--It seems like a tricky thing to try to make things completely "fair" between two children, especially with something as complex and dynamic as a relationship with first family. Even if a-parents deliberately try to have their children's relationships with first family "match," that doesn't guarantee the elimination of jealousy/anger/confusion.
--Openness and an ongoing relationship with first family is best... But isn't there a difference between an adoption that is closed because one set of parents chooses to close it, and an adoption that is "closed" because the first parents are unknown or deceased? (Those two situations seem different to me.)
I certainly wish you all the best as you make your decisions.
Thanks for writing about this. I don't know the answers, obviously. My kids seem likely to have very different relationships with their first families. But they are young, and we have not navigated through the really tough parts of addressing the differences in their stories yet.
Sorry for a long comment! Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate reading your thoughts on this topic.

[orrielynn]

so sorry about what happened to your daughter. she shdnt have to go thru that cause of others negligence. some schools (my dd's preschool eg) wont allow peanuts in their school if a child there is allergic. (i know this didnt happen at school. just wanted to mention it.)
-------
if you were to request a closed adoption, from what ive been reading, the first parents may subsequent to the adoption, change their minds about that. so theres no guarantees. i realize, the aparents choose which way to go after the adoption,

[orrielynn]

i think perhaps i shd qualify what i said above. i am referring to first moms who after adoption may have regrets and wish for more interaction than they originally agreed to. i am not saying this in a neg way. i can understand this. however, i dont know what the answer is.

[Julie]

Dylan was having some severe sleep issues - his doctor recommended we read Dr. Mindell's book. I have to tell you - he now is able to fall asleep on his own in 10 minutes and stay asleep. It does require some CIO but it's modified.

[Mommela]

Coat that girl in Crisco every night for her eczema. Get a plain old tub of Crisco (butter flavor isn't necessary) then try to shimmy on a pair of long-sleeve long-pants jammies. Do it right before bed so Zade and any local dogs don't get too close--our dog always tried to lick it all off.

After having to resort to Elidel to clean up BabyGirl's eczema, we stopped the Elidel and used the Crisco to keep the eczema at bay. It's an old African American folk remedy that works well.

[Round is Funny]

Love hearing what's going on with you these days.

You go, you breast-milk producing fool. When your brain catches up to your body and your new baby comes to you, you are going to sink that kid in breast milk. I'm in the middle of it with a real live kid and it sounds like you're producing way more than I am - my breast pads are still sitting forlornly in the drawer, unopened.

As for your and Z's relationship with Pea and Purl, I'm waiting anxiously to see how it goes. It looks like we are heading in that direction -losing direct contact with Roo's birthfamily (their choice, not ours). I have no advice for you on this, except to say that it's a long life, but I hope it goes the way that's best for Z and all of her parents.

[Louise]

I have also heard of Crisco as an ezcema/psoriasis relief med!

Sounds kinda funny, but it works on my husband. Just a tiny bit goes a long way.

[abebech]

Miss I. is from Ethiopia, and we are having a difficult time at the moment with openness/closure ourselves. We have information on her first family, and we are considering using an intermediary to establish contact. We know we will try to visit them when we return. But part of me worries about their privacy (though admittedly not so much as I'm worried about filling that hole that I know Miss I. will always have to the best of my imperfect ability). I don't think it's ever simple, or simply closed. Good luck to you with the asthma/allergy attacks. How terrible.