the thing is

i do think my daughter is having primal wound issues.  there, i said it.  i've been fighting back that sentence for a long time - supressing my urge to project my feelings about her adoption onto my daughter - fearing people will tell me i'm full of shit, pretty much like the pediatrician did today (don't get me wrong - i love her as z's pediatrician - she's just been trained to believe that genetics trumps emotional wounds any day - and she was really, really nice about telling me i knew nothing).  you know - i think i know why i love her so much - she reminds me of chelsea clinton.  but like a jewish chelsea clinton.  i always really liked her for some reason.  see?  it's really easy for me to convince myself to not talk about it. 

before all of the talk about primal wound on many blogs recently brought on by dawn's acknowledgment that her daughter is experiencing a primal wound, i wondered.  our social worker, during our first post-placement visit, nodded when we told her of z's eczema.  she said - you know - that could very well be zaidee experiencing grief as a result of being separated from her first mother.  we had already thought this.  we knew of the primal wound, though only through a brief read of it.  we didn't really connect z's grief to the actual primal wound theory until much later.  the thought sort of just snuck it's way into my mind again and stayed back there in my subconscious for quite a long time. 

then the psoriasis was diagnosed at her 18-month check-up.  and the thought niggled it's way a little further into the forefront of my mind. 

then blogs exploded with primal wound discussions of all sorts.  and i was able to convince myself that i was, indeed, projecting majorly onto my sweet daughter.  and i stayed out of the primal wound discussions.  it was just a little too close for comfort. 

then i couldn't stop thinking about it for days on end and trying to determine if i was projecting or if i was, in fact, seeing this in real life.  and i was obsessed.  but i never discussed it with anyone - not z - not my husband. 

and one day, like i always do before naptime, i told z how much hubby and i loved her no matter what, how much pea and purl love her no matter what.  and i went on to finish our pre-bed routine as normal by telling her where i would be while she slept and to have sweet dreams but she pushed me away and stopped listening and started acting really annoyed with me.  so i tried telling her another story (unrelated to adoption in any sense) and she was happy as a clam.  then i tried again to tell her about how much pea and purl loved her and she pushed me away and screamed in my face.  so i tried asking her if she remembered pea, if she missed pea, and i told her in words i wish weren't so akward (because i don't feel akward about saying this at all - i just haven't really practiced it before) that it was ok to miss pea and purl and that we missed them, too, every day. 

that's what i saw.  but i still convinced myself it was just me projecting.  maybe i was being too serious about talking about pea and it was just annoying z because she was tired.  maybe she was sick of her usual bedtime story.  maybe i just needed to see something so i saw what i did.  i was still convinced that i was crazy. 

so i got the book from the library again, determined to read it more thoroughly this time around.  i was reading it on the trip home while z was sleeping soundly (although, with a little cold) in her car seat next to me.  and i reread the part about somatic illnesses, and the part about children having knowledge of being in their mothers body, their birth, and of course their separation from their mother.  it talked about eczema, psoriasis, asthma in adoptees.  it was describing my daughter perfectly, yet i still didn't really, truly think this was the source of my kiddo's problems.  my daughter began coughing, having retractions (one of the four symptoms of asthma, this occurs during a more severe asthma attack.  You can see the chest sucking in below the ribs or below the neck when your child inhales), waking abruptly from sleep while squealing until i held her hand and told her her normal bedtime story (NOT because i thought this was primal wound related - merely because it's the story i know best and can repeat in my sleep - and i was damn tired on that last leg).  i was reading about asthma in adoptees, my daughter was having an asthma attack in front of my eyes, and i still couldn't figure it all out. 

so yesterday when hubby called and told me z was diagnosed with asthma, i finally started believing myself.  i haven't quite figured out what to do about this.  especially since pea and purl are incommunicado still.  the best solution (nurturing a bond between z, pea and purl) isn't really an option for us.  though we desperately wish it were.

i guess that's all i have to say about primal wound. 

Comments

[Dawn]

You know your kid. Trust your gut even when people tell you not to. The thing is about primal wound stuff is that I think "treating" it is benign (like talking about it, exploring it) and NOT treating it is dangerous. I'm defending myself on this frustrating message board all about how projecting I am about Madison but the thing is -- there's a difference between attributing every little thing to the loss of adoption and acknowledging that very real loss. It's not like you've given Z. permission to be a miserable human being -- in fact, you've given her permission to be happy even when she is unhappy (Like strive towards happiness happy).

See, you've got a double-whammy in getting people to honor your intuition because people are leery of primal wound and they're leery of psychosomatic ANYTHING but you're in Portland and I gotta believe that in a city as crunchy and as adoption-friendly as that one that you will find exactly the kind of professional support that your family needs.

And lemme know if you want to talk because you know I will listen. Love to you both!!!!

[mopsa]

I'm no expert. Heck, I just got here, really. But it seems to me that you may have just taken your first step toward healing that primal wound. You're acknowledging and validating z's loss and pain and the pain of pea and purl as well. Z will know, on some level, that you validate her loss and that can only deepen the bond between you. I admire you for your awareness and I wish you all peace and joy in your journey together.

[wavybrains]

Thank you for such an honest post. I'm sorry you are struggling right now, but I think you are doing the best you can and thinking about these issues is good. And yes, Portland has a lot of resources as I am finding in my research. Boy's and Girl's Aid society may be able to point you in the right direction for referrals if needed.

[Martina]

I am so sorry to hear all that about the Z. ...and just on a gut level I know that something like being taken away from your birth mom and dad has to be traumatic. The good thing is that kids can grow out of Asthma and Eczema specally if it pychosomatic.
So keep up the great work and I think as soon as Z cognative knows that you will be always there for her, things will get better!

[Round is Funny]

Great post. Your honesty is striking, despite how scary this is. I don't know enough about primal wound (yet) to have a real opinion, but I do know that loss can affect us before we're conscious of it, and emotions have an enormous impact - for all of us - on our physical health, in a way that Western medicine tends not to believe or acknowledge. (I feel a post coming on...)

[baggage]

I agree with what Dawn says..just because EVERYTHING is not related to her adoption does not change the facts that SOME things very well might be. Bug wasn't separated at birth but I do know that sometimes her behaviors are related to adoption and sometimes they are related to just normal 10 yar old things. I have asthma but I wasn't adopted, but maybe Z's asthma is related. No harm in covering all your bases.

[Kohana]

I don't have much to say other than that I've been reading your last posts and thinking of you all. I haven't formed any opinions on primal wound theory, and I haven't seen anything come up in our own family to make me dig deeper. I appreciate your honesty though, and know that Zade will benefit from your willingness to consider all the possibilities, even the very hard ones.

[afrindiemum]

it's funny - the psychosomatic aspect of it shouldn't have been so hard for me to stomach. i've known so many psychosomatic illnesses in my own life (in dealing with my anxiety disorder) i can't believe i had so much trouble believing that it could be happening to z, too.

dawn is spot on. i do believe that there are other little things in z's life that some could try and relate to the primal wound - but i honestly believe that these other issues are solely because of her willful personality and her general mischievousness. the asthma, eczema, psoriasis and her digging at her skin (forgot to mention that) and irritating it more - these just seem to be related - in my mind.

[Jensboys]

Leaving us for the first time, my (biological) 5 year old son went to stay for what was supposed to be 12 days with my sister (whom he loves) and her sons, his cousins (whom he loves). This was a planned trip. A trip he wanted. A trip he asked for.

3 days into the trip he broke out into horrible eczema. For the first time in his life. 3 days later we were forced to make a quick trip to rescue him from his homesick hell. Eczema rectified almost instantly.

He said to me "My heart hurt because it missed you and it came out on my elbows" :) A little bit silly and a little bit profound all at the same time.

All this to say, yes I think it CAN be related. As an adoptive mom of Eczema Boy's two older brothers, as well as the bio mom of one more son, I don't necessarily know if I believe in the "Primal Wound" as a blanket diagnosis, but I DO know that my adopted sons grieve, at times, and the MOST important thing I can do for them is let them and support them.

You ARE a good mom. A very good mom.

[Sylvie]

Thanks for your honesty. As you know I really don't know a lot primal wound theory, but I agree with Mopsa I really believe you have taken the right steps in aknowledging Z's loss and validating it. It's funny because before I ever heard about primal wound I didnt think I had to aknowlege or validate my son's loss until he was older and could fully understand what us adopting him really meant. When we first brought him home, I was extremly worried about him missing her, and bonding with us and learning to feel our love. But once we really bonded I guess I kind of thought he forgot about his birth mother. That made feel really sad, because I had bonded with her and felt a great sense of grief for her but at the same time I was happy that he knew me as mommy. It was such a crazy mix of emotions. Don't get me wrong, I am constantly telling him about K and D (and we keep in touch via letters and photos) and I tell him his birth story all the time, but because he is not old enough to understand what it means to grow in someonelse tummy I didn't think he could feel any loss. Then I started to read about this theory, only briefly, I havent studied it in depth because I am nervous about it. But I do recognize that he is experiencing loss even at this age, because he does exhibit some of the primal wound "issues".

[katie]

You are going to think me really, really rude - and I don't blame you - but I think this idea is a load of guff.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if a child who has started getting physically sick also goes through a slightly babyish phase - heck, I want to be babied when I'm sick - and it is also possible she's just started realising what you mean when you talk about her birth parents, and that's got to be hard for her if she does.

But I cannot believe - and I am a researcher in child psychology - that it is possible for a child to have an INTRINSIC hurt or memory of separation from a family she left at birth.

It is obviously 100% right to talk to her about them, even though it may hurt that she had to leave them, and may hurt more and more as she gets older, but you can't keep it from her - it would be wrong. But there is absolutely ZERO evidence that children can remember, or miss, their parents if they are separated that young. If a child is separated at a year, 18 months, 2 years, then yes, there is a memory and a hurt that will occur even if they are not reminded of it.

Sorry if you think me rude but I couldn't not comment!

[Ariel]

katie, I don't think I've commented here before, but your post has similarly made me feel I couldn't not comment. What types of evidence are you saying don’t exist exactly? If you mean evidence showing children remember events from their earliest days, the heel lance pain memory study comes to mind: http://jama.ama-assn.org/cgi/content/abstract/288/7/857) If you mean there is no evidence that children form early relationships, I think of this study that shows that one month olds respond more to their moms’ normal speaking voices than those of strangers. (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=733440&dopt=Abstract) I do not know if a study has been conducted that would (or could) prove or disprove that a young child remembers and misses its biological mother, but it seems to me that there is enough evidence pointing toward infant memory and early relationship development that it can't be said there ZERO evidence. Because it is so hard to get inside the head of a young child it is easy to dismiss a lot of things, but our inability to crack the code doesn't mean there isn't a lot going on in there.

I applaud you for tackling such a tough topic, AfrIndieMum, with Z and with this post.

[Mandy]

I don't mean to diminish your primal wound post in any way by relating it to illnesses my (bio) son has had, but I wanted you to know how much your description of Z's issues resonates with me in ways I had never before considered. Within a month of so of my son going to daycare full-time at 3 months of age, he developed eczema, and pver the course of the next few months had several episodes of asthma concurrent with colds, to the point that we had to get a nebulizer. It never occured to me until just now that these problems (which I fully realized could have psychosomatic origins) would have had anything to do with being away from me, his mother and source of comfort. That makes me so sad, but I also feel enlightened. Thanks for sharing.

[Amy]

I think it is very brave of you to write about this because obviously a lot of people, especially those in the medical community are very skeptical of this stuff. I personally believe that immune response is very linked into our emotions so it doesn't sound too far fetched to me.

So, with that said and while I will not discount any of these possibilities I also wanted to point out that, as I'm sure you have already read, eczema, psoriasis and asthma are very common with protein allergies. Milk, eggs and wheat seem to be the most common dietary culprits but there are others as well. So if you haven't done an elimination diet it might be something to look into just to put your mind at ease. When I gave up dairy my eczema eased up by about 90 percent. My nephew has such a severe milk allergy (and it hasn't always been so severe...it got worse over time and peaked at about 2) that skin contact with milk will cause hives within minutes and any milk sneaking into his food will cause wheazing and asthma symptoms immediately. It is scary stuff so not something to overlook as I'm sure you already know.

Good luck. Your daughter is beautiful and I hope she is feeling better soon.

[Jenna]

*hugs* You're ten thousand steps ahead of many a parent. I wish I had advice but I don't, really. All I know is that she's lucky to have found you guys.

My heart kind of broke for Munchkin while reading this.

[katie]

Just a quickie: babies DO recognise their mother's voices, but it is only at the age of about 6 months or upwards that they start crying when mum goes out of the room, or get anxious when confronted with a stranger. All the studies of children who have changed main caregiver when they were under this age don't show any detrimental effects, all other things being equal - of course, they rarely are, as there is usually a good reason for a change of caregiver at this age.

After 6-9 months, they do mourn the loss of their caregiver. As several psychologists have commented, this makes sense in evolutionary terms as loss of the mother in/post childbirth would be even worse for the baby if they pined away and wouldn't feed - if they can cope with a change of caregiver at this age, they can survive at least.

The heel lance study only shows they make a connection in the same way that they make a connection between thing A and thing B - this is an _association_ not a _memory_ in the way that you and I remember our sisters or the place we went for dinner. You'll notice that nowhere in the article is the word "memory" used. There are several types of memory and autobiographical memory is the kind children need to remember individuals and events - this kind of association is no more an autobiographical memory, than knowing milk comes in a bottle (or a breast!) is an autobiographical memory. All the evidence is that this type of memory starts around 18 months.

See for example

http://pages.slc.edu/~ebj/IM_97/Lecture6/L6.html

[ann]

I comment rarely, but I am always reading and always impressed with how you mother your sweet Z. The primal wound information you shared from Nancy Verrier's website rings true to me...I am not a part of any adoption triad, but I personally and professionally know many families which include adoption in some form, and I can see these things in play.

I applaud you for recognizing what may be happening with Z. I also want to say that although it is a trauma to be separated from her first mother, the love and care you are giving her is also a wonderful gift. She is very, very lucky to be part of your family, just as you are lucky to have her as your daughter.

I'll be thinking of all of you.

[katie]

I did want to add I'm sorry for hte tone of my second comment (at least I attempted to be vaguely polite in the first one even if I didn't succeed!)

Yes I do study and teach this kind of thing for a living - so I should be better at explaining it. I just get a bit fed up with psychobabble and how it sucks people in. But I'll shut up now.

[Susan Gibb]

Without demeaning the Primal Wound issues and without knowing your child, I would strongly encourage you to look at food sensitivities. Two great books that talk about food reactions in your body are Eat Right For Your Type and Little Sugar Addicts. The first discusses how a person’s blood type and heritage is more or less compatible with different foods. The second talks about how foods impact children’s behavior, health and general well being. While I don't completely agree with either of them, they both have much valuable information. All of the symtoms you have described can be caused by a sensitivity to dairy. I would rule that out before I decided my child was struggling with a somatic illness.

[Jenna]

PS - I love when others simply demean your own family by referring to something going on within as "psychobabble." Manners, people.

[Manuela]

Hi Afrindie... haven't been around for a while, I know. I find I have to take breaks from adoption blogs from time to time, because they often trigger so much stuff for me. But I'm so glad I popped in to read this post.

I'm also writing this before reading the above comments, becuae I want my first words to be unadulterated by the thoughts and opinions of others.

My first thoughts, firstly, were to wish you and Z every ounce of love and support that you deserve as you work through any issues that may relate to this controversial topic.

My second thought, was... that if Z does indeed suffer from primal wound pain (something it took 35 years for me to recognize in myself), I was so incredibly thankful that she has you as her mom. She could not be in more nurturing and loving hands as you grapple through these issues together.

My third thought, was frustration. Because I immediately realized how few resources are available to you as you try to help Z work through this. Your Doctor is a perfect example. Defensiveness, indignance, derisiveness, and belittlement are the responses that are so common when I've witnessed well-meaning people even attempt to DISCUSS the topic.

The last thing I wanted to say... is please listen to your heart in this matter. In light of my previous point, do not dismiss your instincts regardless of how dismissive other people may be of your concerns.

Gosh... I wish I had something to offer by way of useful advice... but I'm certainly thinking of you all.

[Manuela]

grrrr.... I KNEW this would happen... which is exactly why I poste my comment before reading the others and WHY I limit how much I let myself read adoption blogs.

I was HAPPY to read so many of the comments, particularly those of Dawn and Mopsa... but then... I read what Katie had to say.

Siiighh.

I'm going to try to limit the amount of anxiety her comment causes me, by simply referring to this post which I wrote about MY experiences as an adoptee with primal wound... even though I never knew to call it such a thing... or that any but me had ever experienced anything like this...

http://manuela.blogs.com/thin_pink_line/2005/07/primal_pain.html

The other thing I want to say... is that Mopsa's comment rings very true to my own experiences. Probably the biggest step in my own healing of these issues... was the moment my adoptive mom finally found it within herself to accept that possibly... separation from my birthmom left me with perfectly valid feelings of pain and grief.

I wrote about that right here...
http://manuela.blogs.com/thin_pink_line/2006/05/mmmmwah.html

I also hope that my second post will help dispel a frequent comment I get that I must just be some bitter adoptee who hates her adoptive parents. Not. The. Case.

Anyway... that's it for now I guess.

[Manuela]

OOOH!!!! I'm STEAMING now! I hadn't read her 'psychobabble' comment. And she has the nerve to try to somehow wrap this up in an APOLOGY??

Afrindie... I'm sorry I've taken over your blog here... but this woman has seriously PISSED me off... and the fact that she teaches this stuff for a living???? Gah. I can't even let myself think about it.

I can hardly wait for her logical analysis of MY life. grrrr....

[HeatherJ]

I don't know anything about primal wound theory or its correlation with adoption. However, it sounds like a very interesting issue. Having two kids, one with a not so great birth and the second with a nice smooth birth, the first has had health issues that the second never had, excema being the main one, but also some bouts of what could be asthma. I always wondered why my first child had these issues and perhaps the trauma she went through during birth was a factor, 3 1/2 hours of pushing, cord wrapped several times around her body dramatically slowing down her heartbeat, then even though she was very healthy at birth they decided to keep her from me for 90 minutes. I was traumatized it makes sense that she would have been to.

[HeatherJ]

Okay, primal wound is an adoption only thing. I said I didn't know anything about it. This does make me think a lot about how my daughters birth may have caused her these other health issues.