AfrIndie Mum

so since we're sitting here getting ready to adopt sometime in the near future, my mind has been going to a lot of hypothetical places of late.  i'm a daydreamer at heart.  in kindergarden the teacher told my mom that i spent too much time in class daydreaming.  i also tend to overthink everything.  it's how i thought myself into an irrational fear of the depletion of the ozone layer as a middle-schooler.  my favorite subjects to overprocess tend to be enigmas (what is after outer space?  more space?  solid?  liquid? )  adoption, clearly, provides me with myriad situations to overprocess. 

the places i go today are those to do with the placement of our next child.  the agencies where our profile will be shown operate like most do in the u.s. today and allow pre-birth matches, if a woman would like, with potential adoptive parents.  this, to me, is so many things wrapped up into one big ball of conflicting feelings. 

remember, if you will, z's adoption.  her mama pea came to the agency pre-birth.  she thought she had two months before z was due and ended up having her only month later.  not having specific plans in place, but knowing she hadn't the ability to care for her because of multiple factors, mama pea placed z in the care of the adoption agency.  z stayed at the adoption agency for a month - again for multiple reasons.  pea did not terminate her rights until the same day she met us.  we were not allowed to even see the baby through the plate-glass window of the (most amazing and wonderful) nursery.  it was a very clear and straightforward adoption.  there were no legal (which should really be termed 'emotional', in my mind) risks at all for us.  it was a very emotionally safe placement for us.  it was exactly the adoption for which we had hoped after waiting so much longer to adopt than we thought we'd have to wait.  we were certain that the potential for coercion was as low as we had any control over.  we know pea had plenty of time to consider her decision.  but also knowing her situation, we knew she really didn't have any choice in the matter.  losses in adoption.  i wonder what pea would have to say on that subject.  oh how i wish i (we all) could hear her voice.  i think it would be an interesting one to add to our mix. 

so now i think about the next woman who will choose to place her child with us and how it will all go down.  and this time around i'm having difficulty trying to iron out what i would 'hope' it would look like (remember, this is just daydreaming).  i think about the day we get a call saying we've been chosen.  it's possible a baby could already be born.  it's possible that we could end up 'matched' pre-birth.  it's possible that we could be requested to speak with her on the phone or even meet her in-person pre-birth.  we could have months to get to know her before she gives birth and decides whether or not she wants to parent, place with us, or do something totally different.  it's possible that she could request that we be in the delivery room for the birth of her child.  and i really don't know yet how i feel about all of these things. 

the first thing that comes to mind is to 'just say no' to pre-birth matches.  to tell our agency that we just won't do it - that we want to know that we are not convincing a woman covertly or otherwise to place her child with us.  but when i think about it - i don't know that that response would be right.  i have a child who knows two-hours worth of information about her first parents.  denying my next child a situation that would provide him or her with more information (and hopefully a life-long relationship with his or her first parents) just doesn't feel right to me.  think about it - our profile would get shown to women who have already given birth or we would have an agency placement (a placement where the child has been born and the first parents don't want to be involved in choosing the adoptive parents for their child).  since we've thought about it and we're still continuing ahead with a domestic adoption, we still want a very open adoption.  what's the likelihood of an agency placement being a very open adoption?  i don't know - but i think it's probably not very likely. and i don't know how often women approach the agency about a very open adoption only after their child is born.  i think this would put us between a rock and a hard place in finding the type of adoption we think is best for our children. 

additionally, the agency may not like it - i honestly don't know what their take on us banning pre-birth matches would be.  it also feels unfair, too.  i know that there will be women who truly want to know the paps (potential adoptive parents) before they give birth.  and there are different levels of involvedness desired, as well.  so it doesn't really feel fair to me to say to the woman who will be my child's mother (this is not making an assumption that any woman that chooses us WILL place with us - you know i believe in a woman's right to change her mind at any point prior to the revocation period - or long after - for that matter) that i just plain will not be involved with her until she gives birth.  that's not fair to her and it's not fair to the child. 

and frankly, i think the likelihood of a woman looking for a very open adoption is more likely to be a woman who requests contact pre-birth.  you may disagree.  either way, i think we need to prepare ourselves for that possibility. 

so how do we do it right, ethically, morally.  how do you say to a woman that you want her to have the space she needs to make her decision free from influence from you - who is in this to adopt a baby.  how do you truly let her know that you would love and cherish her son or daughter and yet want her to not be influenced at all by your feelings.  how do you stand by someone while they labor and deliver a baby and let them know that you'll be there for them whatever they decide, when really the only reason they even know you is because you want to adopt their baby, if they so choose.  i feel like i'm going to constantly be balancing my words, making sure i say things just so, making sure i don't overstep my boundaries.  it's just a mess of tangled emotions and conflicts of interests, that adoption. 

but i keep processing it.  i keep my make-believe scenarios active in my mind.  and when the day comes that we get our call, if we are matched pre-birth, i hope i'm able to walk that tightrope.  whatever the situation, i'm anxious, nervous, and excited about that relationship in our lives. 

i'm sure my thoughts on this will continue to pop up here and there.  and i'm always open to any suggestions people may have. 

i received a message last friday from the adoption agency.  it was a welcome letter from the program director of the african american infant program.  she stated that we'd be receiving an 'arrival packet'.  i had no idea what an arrival packet might include because i thought we were done with most everything, but she made it sound important.

yesterday we received the thick white envelope in the mail.  there were the following items:

• a processing and billing agreement
• a program overview
• resources for preparing for our child
• a form where we need to state what prenatal risk factors we're open to
• an openness agreement
• an agency agreement

we basically have to do a little reading, ask any questions we may have, and return some signed forms to the agency, along with a big check.  the packet, overall, annoyed me.  for a lot of reasons i won't go into depth on here.  but they include the fact that this is the last thing we need to do before we're officially waiting and really, we're still not ready for another baby and this means more dragging of the feet which is something that annoys me in general but annoys me more when i'm forced to participate in the dragging.  anyhow.  the other annoyances are what i came here to discuss today.

the openness agreement included in the envelope has been recreated below in italics -

Openness agreement
Agency name African American Infant Program

circle yes or no - I/We are comfortable with and willing to meet with the birth family once prior to the delivery during a visit facilitated by an agency social worker. 

circle yes or no - I/We are comfortable with and willing to maintain ongoing contact with the birth family (circle one) Through Agencies     Independently

circle yes or no - I/We are willing to travel and be present for the birth of the child.  and I/We are comfortable with and willing to accept the inherent legal risk in this placement situation. 

circle yes or no - I/We are comfortable with and willing to participate in phone calls and email exchanges with the birth family after the child's birth (frequency to be determined independently by families) (circle one) Through Agencies      Independently

circle yes or no - I/We are comfortable with and willing to arrange home visits with the birth family (frequency to be determined by families) (circle one)  Through Agencies      Independently

I/We understand and agree that, unless otherwise specified, I/we may be expected to participate in a conference call with the birth parents and/or extended birth family upon match, and meet with the birth parents and/or extended family at the time or placement.  Both the conference call and the meeting with birth parents and/or extended family will be facilitated by a social worker, unless otherwise specified. 

Until finalization all correspondence will be sent through adoption agency and the placing agency from which our child is placed.  After finalization, all correspondence will be sent directly to the partnering agency.  I/We agree to provide a non-identifying letter and a minimum of five photos of our child and family on an annual basis after the time of placement for a minimum of five years or as specifically specified by the birth parent(s). 

signature lines here

so i'm first annoyed because of the way the agency uses the birth mother/parent(s) terms.  i'm sure that on this form they are probably doing so for clarity's sake.  but still.  calling an individual a birth parent before they've terminated their rights is just not ok.  it's just not.  and i suppose they could argue that at the point where we're planning openness, the parents will have terminated their rights and the 'birth' terms are then applicable.  but i still don't like the terminology available to us today to describe the different roles played by both adoptive and first parents. 

to me, the term birth parent does too much to belittle the role of first parents in the lives of their children placed in adoptive families.  in my mind, the role is not just that of a nine-plus-month vessel for my baby.  but that is what the term implies to me.  and pea, even without contact, plays a much larger role in my daughter's life than just birth-giver. 

if agencies are ever going to be able to truly ethical, they need to confront the image they are portraying of first parents throughout the process.  and they need to clearly understand who they are serving in this process.  most would say that they are serving the children.  but what i think they forget is that the mother is their first client.  without the mother there is no child to serve.  the terminology used, though, is belittling to the client.  it puts in their mind that their role in this child's life is to give birth to it and then place it for adoption.  because they are birthparents and because we are adoptive parents.  when really, neither of us are what we're actually called throughout the process.  it's covert - but it's still coercion.  it puts the first parent lower on the totem pole (where did that term come from, anyhow?) than the potential adoptive parent.  think about it - what does it connotate that potential adoptive parents are referred to as the adoptive parents of the child before the child is even available for adoption? 

it just all hit me, with the viewing of this openness agreement, how tilted the world truly is towards encouraging women to place their children.  it's so deeply ingrained in our society that it even comes out in power play through language. 

but then secondly, the openness agreement also kicked me in the gut because i'm truly annoyed with how adoption agencies, the ones that train people regarding open adoption, aren't really doing so.  they're encouraging openness - they're not truly embracing it.  to embrace it would be to have mandatory counseling regarding openness, why it's the best thing for the child, and how adoptive parents need to get over their fear of this mythical evil birth parent.  not a form that provides absolutely NO education on openness and yet the option for potential adoptive parents to close off an adoption before it's even happened. 

the form is also a bit confusing. the part that states, 'Until finalization all correspondence will be sent through adoption agency and the placing agency from which our child is places.  After finalization, all correspondence will be sent directly to the partnering agency.' has me stumped.  why after asking if we want an open adoption (direct contact, independent of agencies) are they mandating that correspondence be sent through the agencies?  or is that just for people who choose semi-open adoptions.  because i don't want to do that.  i mean - i'm willing to send a copy to the agency if they're trying to make sure i keep up my end of the bargain - but i want direct contact - not diluted contact.  maybe i'm just reading too much into this? 

i do like that they give first parents some respect by clearly stating that the amount of time the adoptive family will be sending letters is determined by the first parents (specifically specified!). 

but it's also just.  you know.  a bad document. and i don't like bad office documents - it's a little pet peeve of mine. 

anyhow - clearly i'll be writing my agency a letter about it.  i must.  it's like my calling or something.  complaining.  i'm really, really good at it.  can't you tell from my posts of late? i've already written them one complaining about the way they use the birth mother/parent(s) term in their explanations of their domestic adoption programs on their website.  i haven't sent it yet, but that's just because i haven't gotten around to editing it and making sure it makes sense.  it will be interesting to see how this affects how they deal with us going forward.  i know i'm always the most difficult client.

it always gets worse before it gets better

while the illness has left hubby and z, i now have a uti.  z won't leave the house to go get the cream i need to have my morning coffee, so i'm sleepy, not feeling well and generally grumpy.  super grumpy.  utis make me grumpier than any other sort of illness. 

i want to write something provacative and end up coming up with mostly mind-numbing posts. 

ugh.  life. 

late yesterday

zade decided that she violently hates the pants i hand knitted for her (modeled in the photos below).  and today, she decided that she was so traumatized by the orange and blue woolen longies that she isn't ever again going to wear pants.  any at all.  just wants to go nakey in the breeze. 

something lighter

while high on albuterol, z likes to spend her time jumping on our bed.  she is doing so in her newly-knit orange and turquoise wool longies for the upcoming autumn. 

 

with all of my being, i love you guys.  thank you for the kind comments.  thank you. 

unfortunately, the day didn't get any better.  hubby does, indeed, have strep throat.  he received a shot in the bum and the antibiotics will start working soon.  zade did visit the pediatrician and had not one, but two nebulizer treatments in the office.  luckily her new pediatrician is fabulous and amazing and totally understands how hard it is to do what we must again do (another five days on oral steroids she hates to ingest and every four hours on the albuterol).  next cold she gets, i'm to run to the pharmacy for oral steroids and put her on them preemtively.  and during the times when she's not on oral steroids, she'll be on inhaled ones (flovent) once a day during cold season.  she's getting better with the inhaler - soon hopefully it will not be a struggle to administer every time. 

the doctor, alarmed at how quickly she went from being well to being in a full-blown attack, warned us that if she got even slightly more wheezy, it was off to the emergency room we go.  luckily, we survived the night and the steriods should kick in by this evening, so we've avoided the hospital so far (knock on wood). 

since this asthma thing is back, i've decided that we're going to explore alternative medicine to supplement z's slew of western medicines.  so today i'm going to make an appointment with my friend's voodoo doctor who does NET and also with a naturopathic pediatrician to discuss other options like acupuncture and a possible elimination diet (though after reviewing again with the pediatrician yesterday the RAST test results we received after z's first peanut allergy attack, it seems that food allergies are very low for z - just very minor allergies to egg white, soy and dairy - but not enough for her ped to tell us to eliminate them.  good news!  she's not allergic to wheat, cod or perch.  because we eat so much perch up here in the northwest.  yeah.).  and for good measure on the western medicine front, we're also enlisting the help of the head of pediatric allergy and dermatology at ohsu.  so i'll be on the phone all today. 

yes, it's 5:45 a.m. and i haven't been able to sleep since 4:10.  but i'm feeling better.  i did go over to a friend's house last night and had a bitch fest and felt much more relaxed after my hour away. 

again, thank you for your support.  you all are so lovely to me. 

z is sick with another cold like the one that caused her asthma attack.  she started wheezing today, so i'm on the phone with the pediatrician trying to decide if she needs an appointment, a dose of her inhaler, or just time. 

hubby is sick with what we believe is strep throat, but we won't find out until tonight at 6:45 which is the first appointment his physician has available. 

i'm feeling the weight of everything on my shoulders. 

this week, i turn 30. 

i feel like my good mama abilities have gone out the door and i've got nothing left to give.  nothing at all.  z wants me to hold her, standing up all the time.  i cannot sit on the toilet without her on my lap.  but she's never happy and then wants down.  she cries when i change her diaper, she refuses to sleep.  at.  all.  she's so tired and i'm so tired.  she cries when she wants food and then throws it on the floor or mashes it on the table.  she cries when i do her hair (oh the holy fit she throws), she cries when i dress her, when i lube her skin up which i must do 100 times a day.  today i want to run out the door and not be mama any longer.  and i feel so horribly guilty about that.  i cannot even put into words quite how the guilt is affecting me. 

i spent my morning crying in the shower and then crying with zade in my lap and hubby trying to non-verbally comfort me (because it hurts for him to speak his throat is so swollen).  all i can think is that i've got nothing left to give to anyone else, even myself. 

my clothes are permanently stained with zaidee's meals and eczema goo.  i don't have one shirt or pair of pants that doesn't have a vaseline grease stain on it and there really isn't any reason for me to go buy new clothes because they'll just get stained, too.   and her eczema won't go away.  it did for a bit, but it's back in full force now. 

i think we're going to have to do cio again, much to my dismay.  i hate it with every bit of my being.  i should be able to be a better mama.  i should be able to get my daughter to sleep on my own, but i cannot.  and unless we get some rest around here we'll never get healthy and back to normal.  what's worse?  making my daughter's emotional wounds worse by making her cry herself to sleep or the entire family not sleeping at all? 

as an adoptive mama, i feel like i'm held to higher standards.  i'm not allowed to say that i cannot handle motherhood some days.  i'm not allowed to be frustrated with my daughter, because i don't even deserve her.  i'm supposed to be super mama.  i'm supposed to be able to cook dinner every night and provide homemade organic snacks for our family, but i can barely make it to the grocery store to buy frozen burritos let alone think about a meal plan and spend my day in the kitchen.  i'm supposed to be able to clean the house and organize all the crap that never got organized when we moved in and make sure the laundry is done every week. 

i'm supposed to be able to care for my daughter physically and emotionally and today i think mama broke. 

the sad thing is - there is nothing for me to do about it except wake up again tomorrow and keep doing it - badly or otherwise. 

oh, the existential crises of a stay-at-home. 

simultaneously

we've been dealing with other fun things.  like in the middle of f-i-l's visit the homestudy agency called to quizz me on what might have come back on an fbi fingerprinting check on me.  all i could tell them was 'nothing'.  i couldn't even elaborate i was so shocked.  i've never even been pulled over for speeding.  my record should be crystal clear.  so z and i spent a good part of one day traipsing from one wrong location to another wrong location to another wrong location to a phone number that gave me a person, finally, who told me that my record was clear.  as i thought.  someone checked the wrong box, maybe.  both 'no record found' and 'record found' were checked and no further information was given.  but the thing was, the guy who could tell me my record was clear couldn't send my agency a letter explaining that it was their bad.  what he could do was forward my information to dhs and hope that they knew where to send it.  he gave me a phone number for my agency to call to confirm that dhs had received and was processing the letter the following tuesday (it was friday).  so it all worked out - finally.  but i spent so much time in the car trying to find someone who could prove my innocence for me before i found all i needed was a phone number.  btw - if you know a name and a birth date, the guy at the state office will tell you about your background check over the phone!  but, anyhow - homestudy's officially done as of today and was sent off to adoption agency (we've already received a note stating it's official and good for two years).  i'm sure soon someone will call with some sort of next steps information.  i wonder how we'll feel then.  my breasts sure go off everytime i so much as see a baby, let alone cuddle one.  zade was crying for her papa the other day (inconsolably - she really wants us all together all the time lately) and i could feel it all tingly and i ended up with a big wet spot.  now it's really time to buy some nursing pads. but i don't know if my mind is quite up to speed with the body regarding adoption.   we don't even have a nursery set up and we have twenty things to do before setting up a nursery. 

***

zade fell again last night and bit almost clear through her lip.  we were all very bloody, thankful no teeth seem to be affected.  her asthma, psoriasis and eczema have subsided thanks to the steriods her lungs received.  her skin is smooth and soft and we're moisturizing like crazy in hopes her rashes don't return.  she also has become a word master.  the child is speaking in full sentences - new full sentences everyday.  i noticed she learned four different phrases this morning and i'm sure there are another few that she'll pop up with later tonight.  she repeats everything we say, she narrates her entire day saying a lot of, 'i want moah daddie', 'i want daddy hooooome'.  knock on wood, she hasn't yet belted out a curse.  i know the day will come, probably should have come long ago for us.  but we're seriously curtailing our useage of curse words in hopes that we can put it out a little further.

***

i ordered myself a birthday snap press and an assortment of plastic snap colors.  i can now make even cooler t-shirt diapers!  i cannot wait for it to arrive in the mail.

***

i'm wishing i could do lots around the house, but i end up spending my time online instead.  i really want to finish stripping zade's head and foot boards and get her a new mattress.  it's time for her bedroom to be finished.  it's been in flux for so long.  and we've got a lot going on.  this is just life with a carpenter at heart - living with construction mess and ever-looming projects.

***

i'm thinking lately a lot about conversations had while back in the midwest with my like-minded adoption friends.  i'm bringing up some of the things i'm thinking about with hubby and i'm not quite sure where we stand on some things now.  for example, the differing views on whether a family with an open adoption that was closed by the first family should or has the right to attempt to establish more contact their child's first parents.  and later, my discussion with another adoptive mother with a closed (by the first parents) domestic, transracially adopted son regarding our differing approaches in our second adoptions.  because her first son's adoption was closed and she doesn't feel she should invade her son's first mom's privacy.  because of many, valid reasons they chose to adopt internationally where the likelihood of their second son having a relationship with his first family is about the same as the chance of their first son having a relationship with his first family.  that make sense?  it wasn't fair, in their minds, for one son to have a close relationship while the other probably never would have that chance.  and because my daughter's first parents have essentially (though non-verbally) closed her adoption, i initially made it extremely clear to our social worker and agency that i want a very open relationship with our next child's first family.  and in thinking and talking about it i'm now questioning whether that's what we 'should' do for the health of both of our children.  unfortunately, we don't know why z's parents aren't in touch with us and that may change someday.  but i can't decide if maybe my friend's rationale is smarter than mine.  i just don't know right now.   the conversation with myself is ongoing.  it's leading to conversations about - hey - why not look at ethiopia again?  and - how can we - who believe strongly in the importance of openness consider an adoption we know will most likely be closed?  and how on earth will we explain to zade why she doesn't have a relationship with her first family, when we're best buddies with her sibling's first family without swaying the way she feels about them and her adoption?  it's all very mentally taxing. 

***

the big two is coming up in a matter of weeks.  we've got nothing planned and no idea of what we'd even like to do for zmasterfresh, as hubby has been calling her lately (he's spent way too much time with foo's daddy). 

***

two nights ago - another accidental peanut trace consumption!  vomiting all night!  our neighbor, who knows of her allergy and knows better, gave z a yogurt raisin that happened to be in a bag of trail mix with peanuts. 

it's just more to add to the normal exhaustion. 

and z has decided to boycott sleep altogether once again.  and i don't want to make her cio.  it worked well the first time for us, but i'm not convinced this time around that's what she needs.  unfortunately, nothing seems to be working.  any suggestions on getting a hyper 2 year old to sleep when she really doesn't want to? 

i hate polly pockets

mcdonald's and the manufacturers of polly pockets can suck my left one.  i hate them. 

you see, desperate for something to shush my daughter's incessant chant of 'aaah dun, aaah dun, aaah dun' on our one hour and forty-five minute trek from the midwestern city where my sister resides to the town of 6,000 where i was raised, i discarded the option of turning the music up really loud and instead pulled into the only food option en route.  i figured it was the lesser of two evils.  boy was i wrong. 

not really knowing what else to do, i ordered her a happy meal.  that's what you're supposed to get kids, right?  they asked 'girl or boy?' and having a brain fart, i said girl.  i so should have known better.  if i had thought, i would have of course said boy.  boy toys (don't get me wrong, i still have issues with this one.  i mean, every family needs to support the war on oil, no?) are so much cooler than girl toys, anyway, but my regret turned out to be way bigger than i thought it could have been over a stupid free-with-meal toy.

here is the toy zade received.

oh how i loathe her.  let me count the ways: 

1.  the first thing my eight-year-old niece said to me about her polly pockets dolls when i told her i hated them?  'her outfit makes her look fat'. 

2.  five out of five purchases of happy meals that i've personally made have contained the exact same, blond haired, blue eyed, skinny ass white doll.  out of the five dolls they make (that i've been able to find) only one has any pigment in her skin. but i was still stunned that it appears mcdonald's gives out only the blondie.  my kid's got enough white baby dolls. 

so we're telling our girls that they should be blond, blue and white, and eat mcdonald's while remaining a twig?  oh, and also... plastic? if i were cool i'd quote some stats here and tell you all why this is so sucky when raising a girl and how the monoliths unite to keep down the feminists and the people of color.  unfortunately, i cannot make myself go look for any. 

so, up soon - rainwater collection system dreams and a co-op home repair club, and on where i live - with pimp action.  i'm barely getting any sleep still.  soon also a photo of the pink hair.  i need to find one that doesn't make me look beat-to-shit-exhausted. 

cuteness. because all i have in me is grumpiness to spew.