AfrIndie Mum

better than what i've got

really, i've got nothing. 

so please allow me to direct your attention to a locale four blocks from my home.  watch her closely.  in the coming weeks, she'll be birthing a child in a kiddie pool in her living room.  and folks - there's talk of a live broadcast.  in her own words, "We're gonna try to stream as much of this party as we can."

see?  way more interesting than me. 

i have nothing interesting to say

my serger broke, so i got a fancy new one for early christmas.  i'm very excited.  that's it.  that's all i've got. 

new post from me

on wordpress.  because i can't seem to password protect just one post on my blog.  it's free for the viewing.  email me at [email protected] if you're interested.  mwah. 

mish mash

we had such a nice thanksgiving.  we were invited back friday night for thanksgiving-leftovers-made-into-mouth-watering-thai-food.  my god that was the best meal i've had in a long time.  my friend's mama can do shockingly tasty things with some leftovers.  and z got her fill of sticky rice (rolled into balls and stuffed greedily into cheeks all squirrel-like).  fish sauce... mmmmm. 

*****

z's peed, unprompted, into the potty three times in the last two days.  she is amazing, of course.  we went to target today to get her elmo and dora underwear.  once i've had a chance to wash them, we'll see if she has any interest. 

*****

we're just slowly chugging along, enjoying the four-day weekend.  i'm going to go watch harry potter and the goblet of fire with husband. 

potty success

today, for the first time ever, zade successfully peed in her potty.  something's working.  we were all very thrilled, we exchanged a lot of high fives, and zade had ice cream with chocolate sauce for breakfast. 

irreverant thanks

i am thankful for that glass of red wine i consumed at 1:15 p.m. today.  it was a yummy treat while i was making the sweet potatoes and green bean casserole for our potluck thanksgiving with friends this evening. 

i am thankful for the prescription medications that keep me sane. 

i am thankful for books - which also keep me sane. 

i am thankful for the internet, for email, for blogging. 

i am thankful for my husband's amazing idea to install the phone in the furthest (farthest?) part of the basement so i always have a reason to indulge my phone phobia. 

i am thankful that my daughter slept in her own bed last night and didn't wake us up when she crawled in our bed early this morning. 

i am thankful for sticky rice.  the food of the gods and one that is virtually mess-free when feeding toddlers.  i am thankful that our multicultural thanksgiving will probably include this as a side dish. 

i am thankful for my parent's divorce.  without it i would have certainly married the wrong man.   

i am thankful for my fear of needles.  without it i wouldn't have my beautiful girl. 

it's 9:30 and i'm going to bed.  tomorrow we're dining with friends.  i'm so happy i don't have to travel this year. 

i've complied, now it's your turn

i've answered all the questions (i think, if i've missed anything, someone let me know, ok?) and now i have one for you! 

with the upcoming holidays, i'm interested in the opinions everyone holds regarding santa - in relation to your kids.  there's a big contingent that doesn't like santa and will not raise their children to believe in the myth.  i'm interested in hearing everyone talk about what they're doing with their kids and why. 

i don't know what we're going to do with zade yet - but i do find the arguments interesting.  my sister and i grew up believing in santa (and mrs. santa gave gifts in our house, too.  equal opportunity and all).  i think she started asking questions about whether or not santa was real a little older than me.  i asked one day in the car when i was about four if santa was real.  i'm pretty sure i was sitting on my mom's lap in the back seat - such were the days before car seat laws.  i questioned her first - i asked if santa was real or make believe.  she asked me if i thought santa was real or not and i said no.  she said - i think you're right.  she may have counseled me on being sensitive to my friends' beliefs.  i think i cried for a minute and then was on to my next thought.  i don't think this affected me negatively, though. 

so - take it away - who wants to tell me what they think?   anyone?   

from kohana, 'So did you get fired up about ethical adoption before or after you adopted? When you started the first time, how critical were you of your agency's practice? I've learned a WHOLE lot after going through adoption #1 and I'm sure it will influence how we adopt in the future. Has the same been true for you?'

well, while i was pretty good about researching agencies and making sure they met my criteria the first time around, i definitely didn't realize the adoption industry was still as unethical as it is.  it wasn't until i was in an open adoption that i realized how badly first parents are treated still and became fired up about it. 

going through the process and waiting all that time gave me a lot of free time and i found out about unethical adoptions through the internet and the books i read.  when we first started out, researching the ethical aspect of adoption agencies for us meant making sure their international programs were licensed and approved and so on.  making sure there wasn't any illegal baby trafficking happening. 

when we signed up with the domestic program, we had to choose which of their partnering agencies we wanted to have our profile sent to.  we ended up with only one for a number of reasons, but a lot of them were because agencies charged different prices for african american versus biracial babies and had other practices we didn't like. this second time around, i was so much more particular when researching and choosing an agency because of everything i had learned(i had excel spreadsheets). 

for a long time i didn't know that women were still being coerced into placing their children, weren't receiving adequate counseling or were being told that open adoption was a binding agreement and then later had adoptions closed on them.  i didn't know that there are still agencies that have women move to more adoption friendly states to give birth, so that in the end they have less rights or that social workers counseling women considering relinquishing their child sometimes get offered bonuses if the woman does terminate her rights.  i wish ethical adoption was something that wasn't so grassroots still.  but articles like this give me hope. 

my feelings about open adoption

today's question is from green (who, by the way, sent me the socks i'm wearing right now): 

"I like reading your blog because it shows me something I know little about. Some of your views are different from what I'm used to hearing - how involved you seem to want birth parents to stay in their birth child's life after giving the child to the other parents, comes to mind. I wonder if you think that the parents who don't want as open adoptions as you seem to want are wrong, or if this is just what you want - that's not clear to me. Do you think ALL adoptions should be open, or only the adoptions where both sets of parents want it should be open?

I apologize if I've used any of the wrong words (unPC) in asking my question."

that's a good one.  i've never really organized my thoughts on this subject, so pardon me if my answer rambles. 

you're right - a lot of my opinions about adoption are different than what most would consider the norm (most of my beliefs about anything, for that matter).  unfortunately, right? 

i do think that first parents (the 'birth' term is one that a lot of people don't like these days - most seem to feel 'first parent' is a more appropriate term - just so everyone understands why i use a different term than the 'industry standard') should be involved post-placement.  the tales of the closed-adoption era, from the viewpoint of many adoptees, adoptive parents, and first parents have led us to understand that separating a child from her mother, whether the child knew of their adoption or not while growing up, has serious emotional ramifications.  open adoption is the adoption world's answer to hopefully avoiding some of the pain and questions adoptees and first mothers from the closed adoption era experience.  and since adoption is supposed to be about what is in the best interest of the child, open adoption seems the healthiest path to me. 

there are a lot of things that i don't like about closed adoption.  i don't like the idea that i should erase my child's history before me.  i think it's her birth right to know her story.  it is her right to know her medical history, her biological brother and the mother and father that brought her into this world.  i don't like the idea behind the amended birth certificate (which isn't really an aspect of closed adoption like wikipedia states - it happens in all adoption and is something governed by the state laws where the child was born) of pretending i gave birth to my daughter at a date, time and location i'd not heard of until a month after her birth to her mother, pea.  i don't believe in the idea that a woman can give birth to a child, relinquish her and then go away and pretend it didn't happen.  i don't believe that my daughter should have to grow up without anyone to answer questions about her history.  a biological child has all of these things in their life - and if adoption is to really attempt to be 'as good as' a bio family - then adopted children should have access to these things, too, right? 

i think there are probably reasons for true closed adoptions, but none come to mind.  most adoptions fall somewhere in the middle of true open and true closed adoptions.  i think when most people think of closed adoption, though, they think of it being more about not having contact with the first family, but having knowledge of other things like medical and social history from them.  i'm not opposed to this type of adoption by any means.  there are lots of reasons for this type of adoption.  sometimes first families don't want contact.  i don't like it that this is the case, because i don't think it's the healthiest possible way for a child to be raised, but i also understand that it's a first parent's right to not want contact and their reasons may be ones i cannot comprehend right now. 

this is more the type of adoption we have, but technically it's open, because we know z's first parents' full names, the names of their family members, we have their address and they have our full names, phone numbers and address.  they chose us to parent z and they requested photos, letters and possibly visits.  for some reason, they can't be in contact with us right now.  it frustrates and saddens me.  anyone who knows me knows it's just about the only thing that makes me tear up when i talk about it.  my feelings about z's first parents not being in touch right now vacillate between trying desperately to understand and deep saddness and anger for z.  do i think it's wrong?  no - it's their right. 

the thing is, every situation is different.  every person is different.  and so no one situation would be ideal for everyone.  i don't think there is one set way to adopt properly or to raise a child the best.  the most important thing, in my mind, is the spirit of openness that shannon talks about at open adoption support.  in the absence of the ability to have an adoption with ongoing contact and visits with a child's first parents, parents can still raise their children in an environment of openness.