AfrIndie Mum

another from American Family:  "How is the stay at home parenting thing working out for you?  Are you loving it or going insane?  Or Maybe both?"

ever since i began staying home with z, she's been a little insane.  at fifteen months, she suddenly turned into a toddler and she's one challenging child.  she's smart as a whip (i take no credit for this - it's obvious that it's something innate) but aren't they all?  she's so much fun, but she exhausts me to my core.  staying at home with zade has kept me so busy i've lost five pounds without even realizing it.  i am on the go one hundred percent of the time it seems.  no matter how much i try, she refuses to be exhausted.  her activity level and her ability to manipulate me sometimes astound me. 

when i first started staying home with her, we had a nice routine.  she napped once in the morning (4 hours) and once in the afternoon (1-2 hours).  i had plenty of time to myself and to get the house clean and dinner prepared.  she recently and abruptly stopped napping.  unfortunately, she still needs a nap and without it she's a holy terror.  and then she refuses to go to bed at night because she's wired!  so we've had some recent days of staying inside and being low-key in an attempt to get her sleep routine back on track.  it's normalizing a little bit.  but i'm knocking on wood because i don't really trust it yet.  without her naps - we are not a happy family. 

but even with all the things that set in motion our rough beginning (traveling, more traveling, asthma, asthma medications, teething) i'd still rather be doing this than sitting at a desk and dealing with someone else's shit all day.  the only shit i deal with here is my family's and i prefer it that way. 

the good things far outweigh the bad aspects of stay-at-home-parenting.  i mean come on - what other job allows you to surf the internet or knit all day if you want to.  in your pajamas.  and z is damn cute these days, too.  the challenging moments are definitely balanced with the cute moments. 
like lately - z has been waking me up in the mornings by kissing my lips and whispering, 'mama, wake up.  i wanna go in duh wi-wing-woom.  come on mama.  vamanos' (said dominoes).  in the bath tub the other night she looked up at me and said, 'mama, i a fishy' and then, 'mama? i want a puma'.  she makes me laugh more than anyone else.  i am enchanted with her little apple cheeks and cat-like dimples under her eyes.  her bare bum is the most adorable thing i've ever seen and i'm going to give her a complex if i don't stop pinching it.  zade can now count to twenty, mostly without messing up and knows the abc song, mostly without messing up.  if i'm in the kitchen making dinner and she's playing in another room, she'll run in and look up and ask, 'mama?  what doing?'. 

i personally think she'd thrive in and enjoy tremendously a group learning environment.  i've begun looking lazily for preschools that would be appropriate, but i'm not really ready to let her go yet.  but i do think she'd love a few days a week at some hippie waldorf salad emilio-parmasiana reggiano school.  who on earth knows what all those philosophies mean anyway?  there's one school here that i'm researching and they don't have any toys that represent anything.  so like they play with only silk scarves, blocks and real-life things.  i don't even know if that's good or not. 

so in all - stay-at-home-mamaing is kicking my arse.  but i love it. 

Pool Snapshots asks, " Did you specifically want to adopt transracially or were you just open to any race? And if you specifically chose transracial adoption, would you be willing to share why?"

when we decided to adopt (and before whenever we'd hypothetically discuss it) we knew we wouldn't be adopting a caucasian baby.  i could give you a list of reasons why, (did you know, for example, some agencies don't let couples who are not infertile enter their programs geared toward adopting a caucasian baby), but it really comes down to the fact that we were never interested in adopting a baby of the same race.  we knew pretty much from the beginning whatever program we chose would be either international and non-eastern european or domestic transracial. 

when we first went to the informational seminar about adoption, we were most definitely not wanting kids immediately.  but that pretty much went out the window right away.  we went home and discussed our options.  over the next weeks we fell in love with a different program almost daily and then would become crushed that we didn't meet the country's criteria (got to be 30, must be christian, slowing down, etc.).  on the day of our first homestudy visit, our agency emailed us about their brand spanking new-that-day adoption program in india, and mentioned lots of waiting babies.  we made our decision and planned accordingly for the next year and a half until one day i imploded and insisted we meet with our agency and start another, simultaneous adoption.  so for the majority of the time that we were waiting, we were planning on parenting an indian child. 

but, if you know me at all, you'll know i'm a little ocd.  so while we were waiting, i was constantly researching anything adoption related.  i read up on all of the dossier requirements for each and every country one could adopt from, on the government website, then moved on to adoption.com, then moved on some more and so i was always talking adoption with hubby.  and as the india program became slower and slower and less news came from our agency every week, i think we both knew we needed to get on a different path.  so we occasionally talked about adopting an african american or biracial infant domestically.  and we talked for a long time.  part of our need to process the idea of it for so long was, of course, tied to the fact that we were desperately in love with the photos of 'our' little girl.  but a big part was also us getting over a lot of internalized racism, i think. 

whereas it was easy for us to picture raising an indian child, it was quite the opposite when we thought about an african american child.  i don't even really know why.  but something held us back and i'm glad it did.  in the beginning of our adoption 'journey' we weren't prepared to parent an african american child in today's society.  i've learned a lot and it really took those two years to work through things.  it also helped that i stopped working at the horrible white investment consulting firm and began at the non-profit.  the non-profit really helped me see how i function as a minority within the african american community, which i think will help me parent z better as she grows.

i think there were a lot of things at work in our decision to adopt transracially, not all of them deliberate on our part.  as with adoption in general, it's not the easiest path.  i won't pretend i didn't initially have major reservations about the idea of adopting transracially.  but i think if you're a white person in america and don't have to work through issues when adopting transracially, well you're the minority.  so if anyone out there is working through those issues, know you're not alone. 

*****

and just as an fyi - if you are interested in adopting - the best way to begin to learn (other than the internet) is to go to a seminar put on by a local agency.  you'll learn a lot of the basics of adoption.  but definitely don't stop there.  blogs, of course, are one of my favorite ways to learn - so click on all those links to the left.  keep going until you get to the stuff that's really hard for you to read and make yourself keep going.  you'll know when you're there. 

if anyone has questions they want me to answer that they'd rather not share publicly, please feel free to email me and i'll answer them on my blog without naming you. 

oh hell i've got no title

Emily of Red, W[h]ine and Boo says, "Mine is pretty basic, and I think you have addressed it before but here goes. How did you know adoption was the right way to bring a child into your family? I am very interested in looking at adoption for baby #2 in our family. I have no idea where to start, or even how know if it would be right for our family. I would love to hear about how you came to your choice."

so how did we know that adoption was the right way for us to form our family?  well, i guess it started with me.  i didn't want kids when husband and i met.  i have bad reactions to anything medical - i pass out at the eye doctor.  it's bad.  it's stupid and i wish i could change it, but it really is a real medical issue - not just me being too sensitive or wimpy or anything.  and having kids has always just been a nightmarish thought to me.  if i could control things and be able to withstand the pain, i would be comfortable with a home birth kind of situation.  unfortunately, there's still the pain - and i'm not so good with pain.  and i can't control anything, so i can't guarantee i might not be sliced open.  childbirth just isn't for me.  husband knew this entering into the relationship and was fine with me not having kids.  he wasn't fine with not having kids.  i'd always wanted to adopt transracially, he had one sister who was adopted and he was totally fine with not having biological kids. 

that said, when we married, we still thought maybe someday i'd suck it up and try getting pregnant.  we had very weak plans for trying six months out.  i think a year and a half later we revisited the idea and were just fine with not having kids because we had our niece and nephew who lived close by and would come and spend weekends and be our pseudo-kids.  we just kept not thinking about it - it just wasn't really on our minds.  then everyone moved away from colorado where we were living and we moved to oregon and suddenly didn't have any friends, family or kids in our lives.  so for a year we missed kids and then one day husband found an ad in the newspaper for an adoption seminar hosted by a local agency.  two weeks later we went to the seminar.  it for the first time made adoption seem like it was doable for us.  like - financially.  we really had the idea that it would cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.  and seeing that it was something we could swing suddenly put parenthood within our reach, whereas before we both had serious reservations.  we went home and decided pretty much right away that we were adopting and we signed up with an agency within a couple of weeks of that meeting (i think i already had half of our dossier compiled at the time i sent in our application - yes i'm a little obsessive like that). 

so i guess i always (somewhere inside) knew that i would adopt.  i didn't realize for a very long time that it could really work - i thought of it more as something that i would totally be on board for doing but maybe wouldn't have the ability to do in my lifetime. 

i think if you're interested in adopting, the best advice i can give you is to do your research.  understand adoption from all angles of the triad (adoptees, first parents and adoptive parents) in all different types of adoptions (international, transracial, open, foster, etc.) and then think about whether or not you're up for it.  it's not always the easy path, but now understanding it better than i ever did when we first applied to adopt, i'm even more up for the challenges it will offer me in life. 

more questions, answered.

mayhem mama asks, "Did you finish organizing the closets?  Have you knit anything new for Z?"

the closets are as done as they're going to get until husband gets busy and builds me a walk-in closet downstairs.  in our tiny 107 year old house (or something like that) we have exactly two closets.  yup.  so we have a lot of stuff that would normally go in closets in big rubbermaid containers in the basement.  but i can at least find the things i need on a daily basis in my closets.  as long as husband doesn't unorganize it, which he has once already.  it's just a neverending battle, you know?  it will never feel completely finished. 

as for knitting, i'm in the process of trying to use up some scrap yarn and get it out of my bin, so i'm making z a multicolored soaker.  it's brainless to knit a soaker and that's what i've needed lately.  since the pants-she-still-won't-wear incident, i haven't knitted much.  but next i'm planning on knitting myself some felted slippers, because i don't want to wear shoes in my house, but fir floors are cold and drafty.

in other news, we're in a full-fledged clothing boycott over here - i think due to potty training (she's leading the way, we shall see where it goes).  the other night z ran like the wind to the bathroom (completely naked) and while desperately trying to turn the door knob (it's a little higher than the others in the house and she has trouble reaching it) pooped on the floor.  i felt bad for her because she was all whiny trying to tell me something, but she just couldn't get it out.  it's my fault - she was giving me all the right signs.  i thought she just wanted to stand on the toilet and play in the sink and i didn't bother to rush to open the door for that.  but now i know. 

this morning z fell asleep on the couch (naked) at 10:00 a.m. and it's now 2:00 p.m. and she's still sleeping.  let's just hope her circadian rhythms work themselves out.

i'm making vegetarian chili and cheddar biscuits for dinner.  tonight we really are going out and buying a twin mattress finally.  and this evening while z and husband are hanging, i will go downstairs and finish stripping the head and foot boards.  i cannot wait until she's back in her own room. 

pink hair prejudice

jenny asks, "Do people treat you any differently now that you have pink hair?"

it's funny, what pink hair has done to my world.  i love it.  i was suffering from major mom hair for a while there where it wasn't super short and it wasn't super long and i couldn't figure out what to do.  i was feeling frumpy.  well.  the pink kicked that in the ass.  i feel perma-trendy.  like no matter how badly i'm dressed or how much smashed banana is on my shirt, i'm still trendy.  it's been a good time - and i'm not done with it yet. 

the adults that have commented positively on my hair (besides you guys and my friends and family) are overwhelmingly african american women.  like - perfect strangers come up from behind, grab my arm and turn me around to comment on it.  they have given me love and support in rocking the pink hair.   once i was driving down a four-lane city street on my way home from dropping hubby at work.  i do this before getting ready for the day and typically look like billy id*l in the morning.  we were almost home and two women in the car next to me started pointing animatedly and had me roll down my window so they could gush over my pink. 

no one ever notices z's hair anymore.  they are all way too busy trying to figure out my weirdness rather than our conspicuousness.  that's been interesting. 

overall it's been a pleasant experience. 

just shoot me

it's 3 a.m. and she's still. awake.  well, no one is sleeping.  we have got to get this sleep shit under control.  tomorrow i'm buying her a new mattress and will finish stripping the bed i bought her on craigslist.  i'll get her soft, pretty sheets and a nice down comforter and lots of pillows.  i'm going to buy me a book on sleep solutions and she's going back in her room one way or another.

how we came to be mr. and mrs. afrindiemum

from american family comes the question:

how did you and mr. afrindiemum meet? and did you know right away that he was the one?

i'm not sure if i've blogged this story before, but even so it's one story worth a second blog.  let me take you back almost eight years ago (march 3rd or 4th is the anniversary of our meeting or our first date - i can't ever remember - it was within two days of our meeting that we went out - so it's all the same. husband is the only one that ever remembers it exactly).  i was just back in the u.s. from a stint of living in ecuador.  i made my entry in boulder, colorado, where my mother, sister and brand new niece made their home.  a couple of years earlier my mom had sold my childhood home (crushed me) and most of her belongings and moved west to be closer to my sister.  i wasn't exactly fond of being in boulder - but it was that or ohio with my dad and stepmom-who-hated-me.  i didn't want to return to school, was tired of the pseudo-life that was college.  i was ready to live.  having just experienced culture shock in a south american country, i returned to the states equally culture shocked.  i had a few marketable skills and a few years of school under my belt.   i, the one not able to do math without counting on fingers, decided that i was going to be a bank teller.  i applied for a few restaurant jobs, but didn't really pursue them.  the same with a few receptionist positions.  but i knew somewhere in the back of my mind that i was going to be a bank teller.  so a bank teller i became. 

have i said yet how out of it i was?  i was miserable.  i had to wear pantyhose every day even if i wore pants.  pantyhose are the devil and they should be banned.  banks are really conservative and i'm not.  in order to do the basic job functions, one needed to be able to do math in their head and count money - both of which i'm completely inept at doing.  my drawer didn't balance - not once in the entire history of my one-month employment at the bank.  i left almost every night in tears (i was in serious culture shock, slightly depressed, having major anxiety attacks weekly, hated living with my mother again and losing the autonomy i'd fought so hard to achieve when i left home after high school, and i think now, slightly delirious).  i wasn't exactly in a place to date anything, let alone enter into a long-term relationship.  and in walks husband to the bank one day.  the same day i was joking with my co-worker and telling her to send the cuties my way.  i have no idea what i was thinking. 

he happened to fall into my line.  he said that it was my smile (and later told me it was my rack) (which is funny, because his mother, when first describing me to his sisters, said that i was 'petite, but busty.  i never really considered myself to be particularly busty until that point) that first attracted him to me.  anyhow - he walked up, we chatted.  he deposited a check and had yellow mustard on his cheek.  he left and i told my co-worker that he'd be back to ask me out.  later that day he returned with a large bag of change (which i had to count out, thanks very much) and stood back until my booth became available.  we talked, and i was certain he was going to ask me out.  he left without doing so. 

he returned the next day and i was having fun watching him squirm.  no way was i going to make it easy on him and ask him out first.  he brought his six-week-old husky puppy (she's still with us) inside in his jacket.  he needed some back-up, i guess.  so he hemmed and hawed and finally said something like, 'do you think i could get your phone number so that i could maybe call you some day and see if you wanted to have dinner with me?'  it was very roundabout.  i almost gave him a fake number (i'd never in my life gone out with someone i didn't already know from a social circle - those were dangerous waters).  but i didn't.  and he called the same night.  we went out the next night. 

i had him meet me for drinks at a local pub.  i was unintentionally late and nervous.  when i get nervous i talk a lot.  i sat down, he ordered fish and chips and i ordered a black and tan.  i halted him from talking and immediately laid out everything i expected in a person worthy of dating (which i won't recount here because it would make me look really, really young and silly), he accepted my terms and we went to a movie. 

we moved in together two weeks later, kind of unintentionally (i had an apartment and no furniture, he had furniture and no apartment - my family still makes jokes about me 'storing husband's furniture') and have been together since.

shortly after we met, i left the bank in tears after accidentally giving a man $100 too much one morning and realizing it around lunch time.  husband supported me until i landed a rocking good job at a high-tech firm (oh, could i tell you about perks). 

a year after we moved in together, we bought our first house in the suburbs of denver.  six months later we decided to get hitched and six weeks later we did on the beach in key west in june of 2000.

where we stand on our second adoption

i have a question from jenn regarding where we stand on our second adoption.  i wish i had more to tell you, but right now we're just kind of stalled.  we know we're not ready for a baby tomorrow.  we think we'll be perfectly ready about six months from now, but we don't know for sure.  and the wait times are something like two to eight months currently - which seems really quick to us at this point in time.  so until we start getting some signs that we're ready (like having anything other than abject fear course through my body when i think of juggling two kids at the grocery store), we're keeping the brakes on number two. 

logistically, we're mostly ready.  we have a pile of paperwork to return to our agency (designating which partnering agencies we'd like our profile to be sent) along with a check and then we're officially waiting.  that pile of paperwork has just today been demoted from the top of the buffet to the top drawer, where instead of seeing it multiple times a day, i'll only now see it when i open the drawer and can avoid if i like. 

i'm ready to be a mom again.  i want another kid.  but z's had a rough time of it recently, and i honestly think that she'll benefit from some more solo time.  not to mention the few more things that need to get done around the house.  i honestly felt ready a year ago when we slowly started the process again.  but lately i've had a change of heart and i want a little more time with just zade and i before it's time for her to go off to preschool and for me to be home with number two. 

soon we'll be ready.  but we're not rushing it.  not very exciting, right? 

a few questions answered

i'll answer the questions in order of arrival - maybe not all tonight, though. 

from dear jenna comes the question, "any big plans to move to ohio in the next two years?" and to that i must answer, no.  although i would love to be able to hang with you and nick on a daily basis so my kid could teach your kid bad words so our kids could play together while we sip our vietnamese coffees, we're probably lifers here in the horribly, torrentially rainy (currently, at least) pacific northwest.  but you know, this is a really cool city we have here.  any chance you may get transferred west?  or at least come for a vacation?  i already convinced one lovely plus the mrs. to move here - she can testify that it's all it's cracked up to be.  alas, i will forever be required to visit family in the big o, therefore i will always be able to see you a couple times a year. 

mamachristy asked if my hair was still pink.  indeed, it is.  i'm loving it and will probably stick with the pink for a while.  i'm liking a lot of things about it, but i'm going to answer those when i get down to the question from jenny (blogless, sadly). 

and that's it for now. i'm tired.  hung out with some former coworkers for mexican and margaritas tonight and it's bedtime for mama. 

questions, anyone?

i'm liking the whole you-ask-me-a-question-i-answer-in-a-post thing people are doing.  so tell me, what are you just dying to ask me?  now don't everyone break down the door trying to be the first to get their question in (heh).